In the midst of my crisis of this past summer, I was able to get away and have peace, quiet and rest!!! I traveled to our home in NY with my children and my mom to relax, enjoy the country and think. I was so grateful our home hadn't sold yet, it was an opportunity for solice in a way I never experienced before. I remembered being given the impression earlier in the year that our home wouldn't sell until September, and secretly hoping I was right, but not exactly sure why. Over the course of the year God had been revealing His grace to me in a way I had never understood before. I had read the book, "Love That Walked Among Us", and was blown away by Jesus! I fell in love with Jesus like never before! This only awakened my genuine hunger for more of God! I then read a book by Terry Virgo, given to me by a friend, entitled "God's Lavish Grace." This really caught my attention! I wanted more, I wanted to fully understand grace, not just in my head, but with my whole being. Anyway, during the first few days in N.Y., I had much angst to expel and God just soothed me into his peace and rest by the end of the first week or so. One day I remember reading a portion of "God's Lavish Grace", and something struck me, my eyes grew wide and my heart opened wide and I felt my whole body just sigh with relief. I smiled with joy and great peace for the first time in a long time.
What I read was the story of Elijah, when he ran away into the wilderness in desperation and fear. He asked the Lord to let him die! What blew me away was how God cared for him! How God first met his humanly physical needs, and gave him rest, and fed him by his hand. He tenderly cared for him, he knew Elijah's limitations and met him where he was at, and not until he was fully strengthened again did God speak up. He simply said, "Elijah, what are you doing here?" He wasn't angry at him, nor was he disappointed. He is God, he knew why Elijah was there, but he gave him his ear, he extended much grace, instead of being disappointed in him, or telling him he hadn't made the best decision. Can I just tell you how relieved I was? I was so fearful I was wrong for running away, or in sin, or not trusting God enough. But, I felt God telling me, "It's okay, I know you need a break, I know you need to rest and experience some peace for a change." What a revelation for me to experience, I was so grateful to begin to understand God's love. To know that He in fact was not unhappy with me at all. He wanted to give me rest! I had been so sin conscious, so driven to do the "right" things for so many years, I honestly didn't believe God would be okay with my latest decision to essentially escape. I had too many voices trying to get me to stay and stick it out. But God knew what I needed in my most dire hour and he granted it and ordained it to come to pass. How awesome and how kind of him!
So this is just the beginnings of His revelation of His Awesome Grace to me...actually I believe he had started opening my eyes a year and a half before and slowly, slowly in the midst of all this turmoil, little by little, I began to desire to be all about Grace...but it wasn't until this summer that I truly began to have a heart transformation and come to grasp these awesome truths fully......!!!
..there's more, so stay tuned! (It just gets better!)