Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Remembering who I am

It was well over four years ago now, that I had awakened to a profound truth that really set me free! That truth was first and foremost that I was loved 100 % for exactly who I am from the inside out. You see for most of my life I was shackled with the chains of guilt and shame that I wasn't enough, I wasn't living up to my true potential nor was I measuring up to a standard that dictated I live a life that certainly would have been impossible for me to live truly, unless I faked it. And if you know me, I can't really fake anything that well or for very long. There is too much inner wrestling that goes on and eventually my true colors come flying out. And honestly, that is how it should be for everyone. What I realized back then was I didn't have to allow anyone else to determine my path or my outcome.

No one could define me by rules or regulations or standards.

Nor should they.

Nor should I allow them to.


I was and I am free to be just exactly who I am.


No strings attached. No skeletons in the closet. And most certainly no manual for the robot I could have become.

Nuh uh.

Just me, myself and I.

Fully loved, adored and accepted........

I mean, isn't that the cry of every human heart. Do we know this to be true in our lives? Unfortunately, most people do not. That is a sad existence to not live in the fullness of who you really are. To live encumbered and burdened by believing you need to be anyone else other than the true you.



Broken down.


That is death. Not life!

Whether you believe in God or not, whether you believe in Jesus or Buddha or are a Universalist, the reality is you long to live in freedom. To live accepted fully and loved completely. Deep down your innate being craves that and you won't live fully free until that truth strikes deep at the heart of your core. It becomes your essence. It so engrains you that you walk, talk and breath freedom.

Love. Joy. Peace.

This is truly how we are all meant to live! Imagine a world full of people living in this reality. Believing that they are indeed of great value and worth to the whole wide world. Viewing others in that same light as well. That is the kind of world I want to be in. Not the world I once lived in, that was dark and deprived. One in which everyone was scrutinized, and my own personal scrutiny in addition to that of others became so crippling I lost the true me.

No one should live in that kind of dungeon of despair - NO ONE!

As I ponder my past, even taking a quick glance back, I am so relieved to see how far along I have come and how much more breathtaking the view in life truly is! I live life how I want, I live life very happy, I love my life actually. Though it is far from perfect or ease, it's the life I always wanted to live because ultimately, I am living as a free woman.

Free to just be me!

How awesome is that..................

Friday, May 20, 2011

My heart is so tender, so brittle through this tough exterior. I am like a delicate rose, yet covered in thorns.  I don't come with just a subtle beauty alone, there are definitely those rough sharp edges if you will.
Life has so many twists and turns, sometimes I just can't keep up. I found myself here tonight after all this time, feeling this sense of contemplativeness that has not occurred in oh so long. This heart of mine feels so full, heavy even, not so much in a negative sense, but more a fullness that I can't completely bear on my own. I wonder now as I type if that feeling is only meant to bring me to a point where I just let go, lean back and trust. Trust that my Daddy's got me all wrapped up in His arms - I am just reawakening to the sense of that truth, and even feel His embrace. I have not felt that in so long, I haven't stopped to take the time to even allow for it. Tears have flowed more often than not in the recent past as aspects of my life have shown me deeper things than I ever could have cared to see. Yet heaven holds me.
It's so interesting to me how this journey, this climb I am on keeps propelling me deeper into who I truly am - maybe it's the journey of discovering me more fully. Do I even know me fully? Is it even possible? I think He wants to show me. He's taking me deeper into the depths of who I am in Him. I can't quite explain it but it's really no different than any natural process of growth and transformation.
One of my favorite places in the world is a lovely arboretum close to my home. Each year I am given the gift of a membership and I eagerly anticipate the first visit of the year, usually in early spring. It's always the same in many ways, and yet so transformed on each new trip. I love watching the transformation as the year goes along, from the first buds of spring to the crunch of those same first leaves under my feet in fall. I wonder how the trees, meadow, flowers and forest feel as they go through this annual journey. I know I feel more and more deeply as life continues. I hurt more deeply, I ache and long in ways I never knew were possible, yet all the while I feel a deeper sense of strength through the pains life brings my way. Much like the roots of a strong mighty oak going deeper down as time goes on. So deep, drawing from a rich source that does not run dry or fade.
Experiencing the confidence of my source deeply in my soul is not something I can possibly describe fully, nor can I even grasp it fully. I just know that I am deeply rooted and firmly planted. This soul of mine, this earthly vessel is not just flitting in the wind to be tossed about and lost along the way. No. I am well weathered yet situated into a deep rich wealth of nourishment, a firm foundation. ...................

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Fruit or no fruit? That is the question (or not!)

Did you ever stand by a fruit tree and wait for it to bear fruit? Stomping impatiently at it when the fruit didn't come when you wanted it to. Telling it, it's not a fruit tree cause it doesn't have any fruit that you can see?

Of course not, who does that? It would be silly right. A tree will bear fruit in season - right?!!

That's how it is with a believer as well. They will bear fruit in season. Why? Because it's Christ in them, both to will and to do. It's Christ in them the hope of glory. How can someone who is in Christ not bear the fruit of His seed planted in them? Please tell me!

One thing I see so commonly is christians judging other christians and where they are at with the Lord based on the 'fruit' they don't see in their lives. It's sickening to me! We simply cannot ever ever ever know what God is up to in someone's life. We most certainly cannot regard after the flesh. If God has once for all time judged every sin at the Cross, why on earth are we judging others based on what we think we see. Or even what we know we see. I am sick of it! Sick to death of it!!

God has dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with for anyone under the sun to be in a relationship with Him. He's not counting anything against anyone. Human relationships and life walked out on this earth, can be a different story. We have to deal with others. We will sin against them, and they will sin against us. And we have to figure out how to live in a way that we can 'so much as it depends on us, keep the peace with everyone'.  So judging is out! That doesn't work and it isn't even necessary. We will have to deal with so much in relationships we have on this earth. People will hurt each other and figuring out how to walk challenges like that out can be messy. But one thing I know remains unchanged despite human relational issues. God is not counting anyone's sins against them! He is not trying to change you to get you to behave better. No. He wants to love you! That's it!!

Through His love however, He will woo your heart to love in return. It's only natural! Love begets love............

Anyway, I am rambling on a bit, and expressing some things that are on my mind through interactions I've had in the past week and observations I have made of common mindsets that are out there in the world of christianity. I go a little nuts sometimes, because the christians that are so busy focusing on other christians fruit are missing the whole dang point of it all..........Hmpfh! I want to rest in what God has declared finite!! May I ever be being loved into begetting more love....................

Saturday, July 31, 2010

One minute it enough?

Okay, I like this, I really do!! Although I have one or two little beefs as listening to her rap got me thinking. Namely because I guess this was directed at people who don't know God and aren't living in what the cross provided. So here goes. we actually give our lives to God, don't we just accept the Life - He has purchase for us? And we all stand forgiven whether we ask for it or not, we just may not live in the benefit of knowing it.
 I don't mean to get into semantics here, but I really do see it as an important distinction to make.  So many people publicly preach or share that we need to give our lives to God - but why would we want to? No, we need to hear that what He did was for free and for love and then we will want to accept the gift of salvation as our very own!! Otherwise, we get it mixed up and live this 'christian' life as if we have to do something for God when really it's ~ He did everything for us! It is finished!! 
I guess I'm not so much into pointing out what is wrong with people, but what can be right for them should they see Jesus in all His beauty. Knowing who Christ is, Love personified, to me that is the message that should be shared. Her rap was impressive and ultimately she is pointing to a better life choice, but I don't know I just wonder how many people saw God's love for them in that rap. I am not nitpicking her in particular, but this is what I see from many public 'pulpits' if you will. These calls to give up your life and give it to God kind of mentality. How is that supposed to work really? 
I never really wanted to hear more about what I shouldn't do and what I should be doing instead. No, all I wanted to know in this life was that I was loved despite myself. Accepted for who I am whether or not I made all the best choices or not and that that acceptance and love would never fail or be taken away based on my performance in life! But hey that's just me..............and I am thinking most people want to be loved into a relationship, not pushed into one cause they aren't living a life worth living!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Spiritual lessons from my day at the spa......

Being a woman is rather fun, especially on days like I had yesterday. I am one of those girls that rarely indulges in such luxuries, but I sure do appreciate being pampered once in awhile. Who doesn't? 
First off was simply a trip to my salon for a hair cut. I love my hairdresser, she's a doll! She always makes me feel gorgeous!! At the end of every hair cut, she recommends all the products she used to make my hair look the way she got it to look and off I go. As if I can use all these things to 'maintain' or make me look good. ;)
Next I head to a fancy pants spa with a gift card in hand. (Thanks to my lovely girlfriend, wink wink, you know who you are!) I proceed to the counter and they have me fill out a form, much like the ones you fill out the first time you go to a new doctor. After I turn that in they usher me into the ladies dressing room to obtain my locker with my robe and slippers. Once robed up, I head to the room you wait in until you are then ushered on to your massage, facial or whatever treatment you are in for. There I sat on a plush comfy couch in dim lighting with soft music and candlelight glow, and fabulous smells wafting in the air. A woman came in and gave me a clove scented foot bath, while I read my girlie magazine and relaxed. Not too shabby, I could get used to this! Finally, Samantha comes in, she will be giving me my facial and we walk off to her room together. 
She sits me down and explains what she will do, asks me my skin care routine and I tell her (think bare bones minimum here folks, after all I am a naturalist at heart). She kind of chuckles at me over it, like she knows something I don't know. But I don't mind, I am happy with my minimalistic approach. She then proceeds on with the facial. At one point she takes out a bright light after having put cotton pads over my eyes and proceeds to evaluate my skin, or should I say, look for blemishes (hehe, you all know where this is gonna go). After about a million products and applications, with some massaging mixed in and a mask that peeled off like I was a character from Mission Impossible, the facial was done. I sat up and she told me how much better off I was now that she was done with me, and then she proceeded to tell me I needed to use a moisturizer twice a day. I guess my skin is supposed to feel somewhat 'dewy' all the time. Anyway, she tried to recommend a product the spa sold, so I asked her what was in the product. She said, oh you know just the right blend of humectants. I was aiming for the actual ingredients, but she didn't know. Being that I am a naturalist, I like to know what's in a product I am then going to put directly onto my face, which then in turn will make it's way into my blood stream. But, most people don't even worry about that. I guess if these products only make your skin temporarily soft, they're the bees knees. 
Okay okay, so a little disclaimer, I am not against products, and I am not bashing my time at the spa. It was a much needed and appreciated time for me. But I got to thinking, why do people look at the external problem and then try to fix it externally rather than internally first. I happen to know that good skin and good healthy hair do not come from products. Nor can products ever make my skin or hair whole or complete. No, that must come from the inside out. What I consume, what nutrients go into my body to nourish me are what are going to dictate the health of my skin or my hair. Sure there will be some things externally that can have affect on my hair and skin, but I really think if they are strong from the foundation they can buffer these outward effects. 
It's funny because I have noticed the health of my hair return, from having had a bunch of babies and going through an immense season (like the past 10 years, at least) of stress, to coming into a full understanding of grace and then learning to eat real whole nourishing foods. This past winter was the first winter I did not suffer from dry dry skin, especially on my face. So I knew that I was healing slowly but surely from the inside out. But Samantha, (God bless her sweet soul), insisted she knew better and prescribed a ritual for me to follow to maintain better skin. 
Does any of this sound familiar? As I was writing I kind of pictured myself back at my old church. I remember when I first went there, I was so impressed by all the 'bells and whistles' so to speak of the church. Not long after I started attending I realized people were quick to help you 'better' or 'improve' yourself by pointing out your flaws and offering a regimen to give you the results of external 'beauty' so to speak. The focus is on what people can see on the outside of you. Funnily enough it's in the world too. Wouldn't it be amazing what the implications of living free of our externals/appearances on this earth could really be! People would be free in so many ways (and probably save a whole lot of money too, haha). I just marvel that in this culture the church and the world are constantly getting you to look at your flesh and then essentially writing you their prescription for 'fixing' all your problems..........When will they all know that we have Life on the inside of us, a life that will burst forth through us from within! That's what I long to see break out on this planet, a revelation of our already perfect and beautiful state within that shines brightly through us!!!! That's the kind of dewy glowing face I want!!! :D

Thursday, April 8, 2010

What freedom means to me.........

I am a bit confused as to why people get so offended by freedom. I must say, it's a puzzling thing for me, being that I have never felt happier in my life since I found out that it was for freedom that Jesus set me free. To me, that is the biggest breath of fresh air ever taken in, or the deepest sigh of relief, one that is completely satisfying so much so you just flop backwards with no fear and feel at deep peace inside. 
Here's what I think, if you are offended by freedom, then you are not free. Yep, that's right and I bet I just offended you. Oh well. Not my intent. I think it's offensive that people would much rather not take Jesus at His word and take His gift of freedom and embrace it wholeheartedly. I mean why would you want to cling to the yoke of slavery that once bound you, or better yet still does. Is is safer to you? 
Why is freedom just so dang scary for people? I mean are they so holy in and of themselves that they can keep/maintain themselves better than Christ can? For real people! I mean what did Jesus die for anyway? Okay, sorry enough of my intense passionate ranting.......
The thing is, I find living in freedom much more pleasant, satifying, and radically safe than I ever have felt my entire life. Why is that? Because for once, I am not measuring myself, I am not trying for approval of anyone, and I am not worried about failing. Why is that do you ask? Because Jesus has dealt with all of those things that were stacked up against me, that caused me to feel bound. Yup, he dealt with it all! He then proceeded to show me, by His amazing love and work on the cross that He loves me fully and accepts me completely - NO MATTER WHAT! He measured up on my behalf and keeps me safe in Him! I died right alongside him and was raised up into newness of life in Him, and all that He is, I now am! How incredibly amazing is that!?!
So does knowing this, living in this love and reveling in this truth, make my freedom a scary thing? Not at all. Here's why, my identity is sealed, my union with Him is so powerful that I don't want to use my freedom to do things that my new nature doesn't even want to do to begin with. Hello!! Embracing freedom shouldn't come with warnings or qualifiers every time you speak up about it. Shoot! It should be celebrated, why - Because His life in you is a powerful force to be reckoned with - it's His life in you both to will and to do! How much safer in every sense of the word can a free child of God be? And how much can we trust Him - just a good measure but then we have to add caution- NO! 
Freedom in Christ is freedom to live in Him, no longer under the constraints of a tutor that could do nothing to help you, nor could it change you. Any amount of Law in your life will not make you holy, nor will it keep you safe. No, no, no, no. It will make you a co-depndent son not aware of your new abilities to fly and to soar. The law will never, ever, ever bring you one good benefit all the days of your life, until it has brought you to Jesus and then you are done with that blasted old ministry of death - Hallelujah! 
Safe sons live free! They revel! They fly! They soar! All while the sons who never seem to move beyond the fear of too much freedom, sit and watch them shackled with fear that it will carry them away just a bit too much and cause them to go out and sin out the house(don't you know that you have died to sin anyways!!!) like that, with two feet on the ground, that doesn't sound much fun to me. If it was for freedom Jesus set us free, don't you think we should believe Him and live in the freedom He paid such a dear price for?!!! 

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Ponderings on health..............

Got a lot of thoughts pouring out of my brain today, nothing new really, ha! But today I want to talk about living in good health. I see so many people coming into grace getting freer and freer from things that used to hold them back, and from health issues too. But many are still frustrated with issues that they can't get answers for. What does this mean? And how do we deal with it? 
What if the answer to your health issue was a simple practicality? What if it was a matter of being led into all truth in life in ways that would benefit your health as a whole? What if we don't get that instant healing when we were prayed over, does that mean we lack faith or won't get healed? How do we deal with this? Do we give up and embrace our sickness? I mean doesn't salvation mean, healing, wholeness and preservation? How exactly does that come to us? 
I believe that signs, wonders and healing confirm the Gospel being preached. I believe that we will see instant healing and I believe at times we won't. What if we were healed one day, but then the next day went back out and indulged in addictions of food that don't benefit us and ate (insert most disgustingly unhealthy food of choice)_______, and then got ourselves sick again. I mean do we not remember that all things ARE lawful, but not all ARE beneficial?? Don't you think that God wants us to live in the beneficial things of life for our own benefit, not because it changes things between us and Him? Don't you think He is kind enough to teach us all things pertaining to life? Like leading us into truth regarding healthy eating choices so we can enjoy those benefits of good health? And even if we don't go down that path, there is no condemnation for sure. But I do believe our choices reap in whatever we have sown. Don't you?
I used to wonder how 'practicals' fit into the grace message. I detested 'practicals' because they were so heavily taught in my old church as a way to attain godliness and holiness. But what if we ditched all of that thinking, which doesn't line up with the gospel anyway, and we decided we wanted to learn some practical advice for life that will benefit us. A year ago or so, I was not able to even entertain the idea of practical life advice and I still don't seek it out heavily, unless I am ready to learn in an area of life that I want to see benefit me. I trust the Holy Spirit to teach me from the inside out, and I trust that He will encourage me through my brothers and sisters and inspire me into benefits through them as well. Sometimes, I do need a bit of nudging, lovingly of course from those I trust and know that love me. ;)
So today I am here to simply bring this up, cause I personally am very passionate about living in better health. I am very intrigued by learning about nutrition and love to talk about it. I certainly don't have all the answers, nor do I want to ever be legalistic about how I approach any area of my life. However, I do want to talk about what I am learning and I do want to encourage and help other people. I mean what if all it was for you today was a simple fix to an imbalance in nutrients you may have? Would you want to know about it? Anyway............ I have to say, I have seen my life being transformed from the inside out since grace came to me and I am so amazed and so thankful. I have also seen an insatiable hunger within me to live in a whole way. To experience vibrant health and vigor in life. I have seen many things fall away that were hindering me and I am thankful. Yet I still have unresolved health issues that I would like to see resolved.  I also greatly desire to learn how to take care of my health and greatly desire to help others live in better health too. I feel, much like we want to get a good diet of grace, chew up the meat and spit out the bones, we want to do the same with our temples/bodies too. I notice when I am full of yummy nourishing grace teaching my spirit soars and I feel so satisfied. It's much like that when I nourish my physical body as well. 
That all said, I just wanted to get it out there that I love to learn about health and I love to talk about it too, ( I think we all have areas in life that we can share beneficial things with others), and may start bringing it up a bit more on here, just in a broad way. But I pray today that God will bless your food to your body, nourish you and protect you and cause you to flourish in your health!! Grace and peace!!!