Friday, February 13, 2009

Out of the pigpen into His arms.............

Once upon a time, there was a girl who longed to live in freedom and love. She desperately wanted to be understood and fully accepted by anyone. Alas, she could not find this in her life anywhere and so she decided to run away from everything she knew. She went out into the big wide open and decided to see who would love her. Initially, she was embraced and accepted by a few friends. She began to party with them and spent much of her time dancing and hanging out. Finally, feeling totally free to express herself and be herself with no fear of scrutiny. Eventually, she partied a little more and a little harder. But, never TOO much. She met guys who told her she was beautiful, and they desperately wanted to be with her. To her this seemed like what she always wanted. Wow, she had never experienced so much attention in all her life. Eventually, she found someone wonderful, fell in love and they moved in together and lived together quite happily for many years. Partying together and doing whatever they wanted. Sometimes getting drunk or high. Just having fun whenever they wanted with no fear of consequence. For years this was the scene for this young girl and she 'seemed' quite happy, but over time she began to wonder, 'Is this all there is?'  Over time that initial acceptance waned and that love purported to be love, began to be questioned. She began to get into a fog of depression and went without work and just wasted her time away in her despair. She wanted to understand what was really wrong but just couldn't put her finger on it. Her friends began to get impatient with her. Her boyfriend got tired of 'supporting' her and wondered if he really wanted to be with someone so confused, and frankly so pathetic.
All that freedom and fun was leading her nowhere. Now the friends she had weren't so accepting, so she found new friends. Then she found a new guy who thought the world of her and she started spending a lot of time with him and less time with her boyfriend of many years. This new guy lavished her with love and praise and knew all the right things to say and do. It was initially quite dreamy, but did not last. Her choice to hang with him eventually ended her long term relationship. She wasn't prepared for that, after all, all she really wanted was somebody to 'really' love her and 'really' accept her. 
The shock of that loss didn't hit right away, because of course the new knight in shining armor was there to absorb the blow. However, it wasn't long before he too would wane in his care for her. Truth is, he never really cared about her to begin with. He only wanted to get something out of being in a relationship with her, no matter the cost to her. This began to be painfully obvious to her, that his love was false and she began to fear. Not long after this realization, that he didn't 'truly' love her, she found out she was pregnant. How could this happen to her? Why couldn't it have happened with her prior knight who she at least had a longer history with and a genuine friendship with?  Now, she was with this guy, who she was beginning to see was a wolf in sheep's clothing and she was pregnant with his child. Why now? Why him? Why her? 
He asked her if she wanted to get married. An adamant, 'No', was her reply. Then he asked her, if she'd would have an abortion. To which she gave an even more adamant 'No!'  To him those were the only choices. To her, well she was hoping for something better, but what?
Well, they tried to figure things out together. He pressed her to put the baby up for adoption. She reluctantly met with a couple about it, but it just didn't feel right. They discussed moving in together, but couldn't make it happen. Eventually, he became extremely overbearing and needy and she began to weary of him. They just drifted apart and went their own seperate ways. This is when she began to tank out. All of a sudden, alone for the first time facing this enormous reality of having a child, she just unraveled. Despair, grief, anxiety, fear, and woe all came crashing down upon her like a ton of bricks. Pain like she never knew before became her constant companion for months upon months. It wasn't until she began to feel her child kicking inside and decided to be his mom that hope began to reknew her heart. 
Knowing a little one was on the way, caused her to brace herself and figure some things out. She began to tell people that she was expecting, because she could hide it no longer. Thankfully, her co-workers were extremely supportive. She found a new place to live, as she was about to be evicted from her old place anyway. She got a bit of a game plan going and began to prepare for the arrival of her baby. Yet still, she felt an emptiness within. Emptiness with some tinge of hope.
As her pregnancy neared it's end, she noticed one day that something wasn't right. So, she headed to the hospital to see her doctor. After being checked out, he told her, she needed to be admitted. She was dilated, the baby was breech and their was an infection. All alone and scared she went into the very large cold hospital room. There she remained for the next 8 days, waiting on edge. Family visited, old church members visited, prayers were being prayed on her behalf. It was during this time that she began to search and seek for God. Or was it He was calling her to Him? She wondered if she could go back to her roots of christianity and church life. She thought it was the right thing to do, but yet she never felt the love and acceptance there that she so desperately craved. She wrestled in her mind about going back. She told God, she simply couldn't do it. It was too hard! 
After those long dark days when her hospital prison sentence was over, she went home on bed rest. Now more vulnerable than ever, with no certainty for her future, but a pending massive life change looming large in sight, she waited. Waited until the day that would change her life forever! 
Finally that day arrived. The baby was on his way! Off to the hospital she was rushed. An emergency c-section was ordered and she cringed and cried with trepidation. But, her baby's life was worth it, and soon she would meet her precious son! 
Who could prepare for such a moment? How could a little child change so much and so fast? As soon as she held him in her arms for the first time she knew. Her heart was won over and she knew God was her answer. He was her life and her source, she could no longer deny it. Joy began to fill her heart for the first time in so long. Real joy!! What had seemed to be all an incredible disaster and devastation, had now come full circle and proved to be the best thing that ever happened in her life thus far! 
It was at this moment she truly heard His whisper to her heart that HE would do everything for her, HE would keep her and she could rest in Him. 
It was as if the prodigal had decided to come home now, he was tired of the pigpen. She too had had enough. She wanted to come home, no matter the shame. What she didn't realize was that there had always been nothing but outstretched arms for her and one who was waiting for her to come down that path..................................All along He had been waiting for her, longing to hold her in His loving arms, fully delighted in her and fully accepting of her, despite herself. Despite what she had always thought of Him. He wanted her!! Just simply, wanted to be with her!!! 


Bino M. said...

Lydia, Is this your story? Amazing!
I loved the last paragraph!

lydia said...

You guessed it. Amazing GRACE, huh!! Isn't He way better than we ever thought!!

Grace and Peace to you!!