Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Not my typical kind of post.......(you have been warned!!)

I have all kinds of thoughts flying around in my head today. I have been reflecting on a certain area of my life and all the baggage I seem to be carrying around with it. I just felt compelled to share some thoughts on here. 
This has to do with sex! Yup, you heard me!! But the heart of the matter really comes from Christ and knowing the truth about who we are in Him. So in that sense, I guess this is a normal post for me. What I was thinking about, was all the bad 'christian' advice I have been given over the years on this subject. I don't even know if those who gave it meant well, I think they thought they meant well, but all they did was turn sex into a law within marriage. I have to say this is extremely damaging, in many ways. Anyway, one of the things that was called to my mind was the counsel a pastor gave me concerning my future marriage. Okay here's where it gets kind of personal, and I apologize in advance for the sheer openness of this part. My husband and I came into marriage having had sex prior to marriage. We also struggled to stay 'pure' before we were married. (I know a lot of you are saying who doesn't have that struggle, right!) Well, let's just say that where I went to church if you struggled and confessed, you were setting yourself up for some serious condemnation!! So, my pastor essentially told me something like this, " since you did not remain pure, you will bring struggle to this area of your marriage." Those were not the exact words, but the heart of his counsel. And what did that wonderful counsel do for me? It made me feel very condemned in this area, it made me begin to resent my husband for not 'leading' me well while dating. It made me think we were both so selfish and it made me view sex in a skewed way. In other words a lot of turmoil for nothing. 
The way I see it, is God is not counting my sins against me. He is not angry with me, nor does He have any punishment for my sins. He also turns all things into good for those who love Him. And He restores the years and makes all things new! So, are my odds at having a good sex life in my marriage reduced because I made poor choices! NO, NO and NO!! What He should have told me was the wonderful truth of who I am in God's eyes and how wonderful the Gospel really is!! That is the only power to turn broken areas of our lives into beautifully restored areas! 
I am honestly angry that there is so much crappy advice out there and so much of it brings condemnation which only defeats people further! I had to bring this up for another reason too, because I think there is teaching out there that is really harmful for married couples. It's the teaching that comes straight from the Bible, but gets turned into a law. The scripture about "do not deprive one another." Now that is simply put, plain old good advice, I won't deny it. However, it's not good advice to just dish out when there are other areas in a marriage that are problematic and need to first be resolved. I think sex is a fruit of a good marriage, not a right or demand within marriage. Nor is it a quick fix to marital problems.  I think at times people need to reknew their minds and get rid of lots of negativity surrounding this area. The enemy will stop at nothing to keep God's people from enjoying this most precious gift. He wants to skew it so far from the beautiful picture that it is and from the power it has to bring together a couple in a profound way. 
I would like to ask Christian counselors and pastors across the world to consider what I am about to share in regards to truly helping couples with sexual struggles, of any form.  Trust the Christ in others!!! 
While I was at the conference in Hong Kong, Josh Mills shared a story about a friend sharing with  him a vision God gave him and something he felt they should do. So Josh said "Okay, let's do it." He proceeded to say, "Isn't it good for us to trust our brothers and sisters in Christ and trust the Christ in them."  I also think Fini brought it up at one point as well as Rob, and not to mention it's something my dear friend Jamie repeatedly shares. We can trust this Divine Life we have been given, (that's quoting my friend Chris Welch). When is the church going to stop distrusting themselves and each other and instead start trusting the Holy Spirit!! I must say when we see our brothers and sisters in this light we have hope for the breakthrough, do we not. Because the Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth, will he not!! 
So, I bring this up because it's something I am processing, and an area that I am seeing God is planning to bring full restoration in my life. He wants to see us reign in Life! Whether it takes days, weeks, months or years, there is always hope for every area of our life to improve in Christ. To bloom, and flourish! 
For those of you who may be reading this and are single, well I know this post can benefit you too. I wish I had a better understanding of many things prior to being married, however some things you can only learn by experience. But nonetheless, this can be a beautiful thing in your future to look forward to. If you have already lost your virginity or have made mistakes or have wrong views on sex, you can live in freedom in Christ in this area. Don't feel guilty or condemned for your mistakes.  A friend of mine told me, when she'd find her husband struggling with pornography, she would tell him, "don't be condemned." That is a gift! Jesus never condemned broken sinnners, he always gave them the gift of no condemnation. So I say to anyone who has some area of brokenness sexually, Do not for one second feel one bit of shame or guilt. You are perfect in Him! You are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! He is doing a new thing in you even today!!
I won't even try to give advice to fix anyone's problems, because the Holy Spirit is a way better counselor. All I can say is you can be free in any area of struggle in life. I don't know what that will look like practically walked out, but I do know this, when you let the Holy Spirit work in your heart, he will bring about the good fruit that you will soon bear!! I promise!! 

Grace and peace to all who read here today!!


jul said...

Great post! Every bit wink wink... This is stuff we need to be talking about because people have been tricked into thinking they are the only ones struggling with condemnation. There really really is NO CONDEMNATION for those in JESUS!!! Yes, it even applies to sexual sin, gasp!

Ursula Kuba said...

I just have to respond. If only because I'm single...and unmarried...(having all that experience I have helps you know ;-p)

Well sister mine, you know you are that now right? As I was saying...you are a refreshing breath of fresh air...and sharing some of this stuff in HK really helped me. Why? What NOT to let myself come under! haha

But otherwise, seriously, you are so on the right track. And yep, a single girl can say this on an open blog...this is going to cause so much ruckions....(trouble)...

Girly, may God bless you with many many awesome bed times...and lots of rumpled sheets....and me too when I get married.....I hear everything goes...and apparently its fun...some even say 'cough' from the first experience! have fun girl, coz fun times are coming!

(now was that too shocking? ) Oh well, apparently there is no condemnation for those in Christ....I have it on good authority!

Jamie said...

What a profoundly beautiful post. THANK YOU!!! You know my heart, my sister.

Yes, Jesus is in the restoration, redemption, and renewal business. But most of all, HE IS FOR US...ALWAYS!! WOW!

lydia said...

Thanks Julie!! This is important stuff to talk about, and I may not be through posting on this.........it's too important!!
I wish instead of hearing praise for the pure couples who walked in integrity in their pre marriage relationships, whatever your choice of calling that would be(courting -ick, or dating), I wish that they would declare from the pulpit to the prostitutes and the gays and the promiscuos and the single mom's and those who have been abused sexually, that there is Freedom for them, that they are beautiful and accepted and perfect in God's eyes, that God loves them despite all of this and that He is not angry with them, nor counting their sins against them. After all didn't Jesus come to save the broken and the sinners?
I am tired of praise in the church for the 'Oh so holy' - let's set the captives free by letting them see , it's Jesus who transforms by taking care of sin once and for all and now giving new life to all who come to Him!!!

lydia said...

I am so cracking up, cause now I can totally picture you as I read your post, I can see all your animated moves and hear your giggles!!
The marriage bed IS indeed to be treasured and to be a blessing and yes indeed very fun!! Unfortunately that isn't always the case for many, but I know that I know that God is passionate about this area of our lives and He will faithfully lead us into deeper and deeper riches in Him in this area and in all areas!!! Like Julie said awhile back in her post, married sex in grace - watch out, the world hasn't got a clue what they really are missing! I am a slow learner...............but a learner nonetheless!!!

You do have much to look forward to, as you do not carry the baggage most people have!!!

lydia said...



You know for me, I honestly had to see the romantic side of Jesus there for awhile. I had to see the Song of Songs as Jesus sees us His bride and WOW. Seeing how passionate of a lover that He is, I have no doubt it can be beautiful in marriage. But I had to see His love first, I had to see how He sees me in that initimate way and then realize that's how I honestly deserve to be treated and treasured. And well hopefully the rest is history, right!!

He is for us, He is all about loving us, and blessing us and is SO consumed with us!! He has captured my heart.................and that will benefit every relationship in my life, don't ya think!!!

Joel B. said...


FYI, a man's perspective on this (at least this man, is exactly the same as yours! :) Great post, and thanks for being so open in sharing all this.

So much of this can be made into LAW, like you say, instead of good practical advice at the right times, in the proper contexts. It's sad that something as intimate as sex is turned into bondage, no pun intended. :)

"You've messed up before, so now you'll suffer in the future because of it." How terribly sad that is. If that's the case, then no one in the world would ever be able to experience any redemption, any peace, any life, anything good from God. All good things are gifts of grace from God, and His grace overflows beyond what we can imagine!

I'm totally with you in being angry about the graceless teachings out there, and about asking counselors, pastors, etc, to be full of grace when talking to others about their sexual struggles. There's no other way to handle it all!

lydia said...

Amen Joel!

If marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the church, we need to really see how Christ views his bride..................that can't be a law, we have to know Christ's heart for his precious bride and be won over by His love for us, it's out of this love that we too can love in any relationship, but especially marriage and especially initimately!!

Anyway, you are right, no one in the world could experience redemption, cause none of us can live the life that only Christ did on our behalf and then gave us His very life to live through us!! Thank GOD!! And I don't want to hear another Christian quote to me how God hates sin.............GRRR!!!

lydia said...

..............that's why He dealt with Sin once for all time at the Cross, declaring IT IS FINISHED!!!

Matthew Campbell said...

I've heared about things preached for marriages like making a commitment to have sex for 70 days straight or some period of time and watch your marriage be transformed! We'll go through the motions of love so much that it will change our hearts! It's a lot like the Jews Jesus mentions who had outward laws. They believed outward rituals, if done enough or correctly enough would bring progess spiritually. Sorry Charlie. You can't fix a tree's fruit by nurturing the fruit, but nurturing the root. And the Spirit deals with our roots.

lydia said...

Amen Matty my brother! You will have a good foundation for your future marriage one day, that is a HUGE blessing!!

Phil said...

Ta for that. I don't know whether I should say this here but as a red-blooded 20 something this is my biggest struggle and where the condemnation and frustration really comes in. I figure that as I gain bright revelation and experience of New covenant life, and my inclusion in it, I'll gain the freedom and power. And have the physical aspect of any future marriage an expression of two new covenant hearts knit together in love, romance, friendship, joy and fun.

lydia said...

Phil ~ I assure you, you are not alone.........!!! But you know what, you are still the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus and perfect in His sight forever.........so a double NO condemnation my friend, even if you struggle today, tomorrow or the next, there IS no condemnation for you ever ever again. Just trust the Holy Spirit to keep leading you into truth and you will gain more and more freedom!! Your future is bright my friend - may your future marriage be just as you say!!! Bless you!!

Bino M. said...

Lydia - You are so right, religion turned the whole thing about marriage, purity and sexuality into mere external things. I usually get a bitter taste in my mouth when I hear some preachers brag about how he and his wife kept themselves 'pure' until marriage. Well, he might be right in terms of the physical act. But my question would be, has he ever looked at a her (or any woman) with lust? If so, according to Jesus, he is an adulterer.

Ooops! Sorry!

If we could have kept us pure and clean on the issue of sexuality, Jesus would have excluded that sin from taking away at the cross! Fortunately he didn't and I am so glad He didn't exclude it :)

You are perfectly normal, sister!

Any person (believer or nonbeliever) has the potential to do any sin under the sun, given the right circumstances because we are weak. And because we are weak , we need Jesus! (so it's a good thing!)

Like Apostle Paul, lets boast in our weakness because when we are weak, we are strong! (Corinthians 12:9-10)

Much love to you!

John Fincher said...

"I don't even know if those who gave it meant well, I think they thought they meant well, but all they did was turn sex into a law within marriage."

I have heard this said many times, and I'm with you. "They meant well" seems to cover a lot of crappy advise and teaching.

I think most of the problem with the modern IC, is that leadership DOESN'T trust the Christ in the OTHER person.

As far as a commitment to have sex every day for 70 days, now THAT'S a law I can live with! ;-) (Hope that's not too flip)


" since you did not remain pure, you will bring struggle to this area of your marriage."

This is almost a curse upon you! How could he make this proclamation about your entire marriage?!

lydia said...

Bino ~ You are so right, if you're gonna turn sex into a law in marriage don't forget you can't just keep any part but all. (only thing is a lot of people turn Paul's advice in the New Covenant into laws or commands - so I don't know how upholding to the original really fits in, except that it is a mentality of law, anyway........just my thoughts)

We are all weak and unable apart from Christ, He is our life, we could never do and the only one could please God was Jesus! I don't think Christians understand that they still can't "live the life" - only he can, that's why He is in us and He is our only hope of glory!!

Much love to you as well my friend!!

lydia said...


You brought up a good point, it's true that negativity like that is a curse on one's marriage. That is one of my big gripes, many advice givers bring the law mentatlity back in, and in their pride they make the weak feel pathetic and bring curse upon them with their words. Instead of blessing them, well actually I think people may have blessed my marriage, but unfortunately it's the curse that affected me the most........Let this be a reminder to pastors across the globe - Blessing carries great power! I bless my kids all the time, even when they are naughty!!!

As for the flip comment, I am sure you are NOT the only one thinking it - I am sure my husband would have loved that law had he heard it :) But, isn't it better to receive sex as a gift than as a command!!!

Grace and peace to you!!

Ursula Kuba said...

Oh man you guys crack me up! Lydia...I so was giggling posting.

Me...can I be a full red blooded 20 something female? ;-)

Oh Lyds...I miss you!

lydia said...

You can be anything you want!!! Glad you got some giggles out of this..............Jamie was giggling at your comment apparently there's a pun within one of your statements you didn't realize, bwhahahahahaha!!!!

Missing you too girlie!!

Sheila said...

Lydia JOY~
Such a courageous post. Achingly true, and stunningly beautiful. This is a message that does need released upon the body of Christ.



Jamie said...


::blush, blush::

John Fincher said...

"I am sure my husband would have loved that law had he heard it :) But, isn't it better to receive sex as a gift than as a command!!!"

Oh Lydia, Lydia, if you only knew the hanging curve ball you just pitched me.

I could be the pig that all men REALLY are, but I won't sully your blog with it. ;-)

lydia said...



Anyway, John, I'd prefer not to think of all men as pigs.......just different than women and how we think. I think what happens when sex gets turned into a law is the men tend to 'demand' it in their hearts and the woman feel crushed by that, and it feels like a 'performance' rather than a natural overflow of a wonderful relationship!!!!

John Fincher said...


Jamie said...

::OINK, OINK:: Not all, just MOST??


Get him, Lyds!! :D

lydia said...


Thanks for your encouragement! You are right, the Body of Christ needs to hear the refreshingly wonderful news that all areas, including this one (HUGE) have been redeemed, set free, and by His stripes healed! I want to see more and more people get set free on this front!!

John Fincher said...

uh...Lydia and Jamie, I hate to burst your bubble, but ALL men are pigs.


Joel B. said...

I just couldn't resist posting this from Grease.

Frenchy to Sandy: "Men are rats. Listen to me, they're fleas on rats. Worse than that, they're amoebas on fleas on rats. I mean, they're too low for even the dogs to bite. The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy."

This is what I'll be pounding into my daughter's head. =D

Jamie said...


Good one, Joel!

John! You are naughty...

Ursula Kuba said...

JAMIE WEEKS! LYDIA JOY! I think I, erm...found the pun! Naughty naughty girls!

But its true either way....If I found the same one I think you found....

jul said...

wow, popular post haha! My husband is not a pig, or else, well I wouldn't let him sleep in my bed ( I would just pray alot heh)!

John Fincher said...

Ladies, PLEASE. ALL men are pigs - most just keep their piggish nature at bay.

Accept my apologies Lydia. Didn't mean to turn your serious post into a joke. It was all meant in good nature.

jul said...

John surely you believe that if any man be in Christ he is a new creation? It's so funny we spend so much time discussing whether or not we still have a sin nature when it's the pig nature that's really an issue for concern!

John Fincher said...

Jul and all,

I hope you guys now that my "pig" comments have all been in good fun, with, like I told Lydia today, just a smidge of truth. ;-)

Just couldn't resist, as we like to say in the South, stirrin' the puddin', if you will.

Peace and blessings to all!

jul said...

Hehe, I knew of course, hope you know mine were too!

Leonard said...

Lydia, thanks for posting, let me know if you got my voice mail, its sunday the 5th. thanks again

The Lewis Family said...

Oh Jamie, you really are quite naughty. . . That made me chuckle!

And sometimes the "problem" is opposite in marriage. In my case it was. And the law sure doesn't help things any. . . That's experience speaking!

Love the openess!