Christmas blessings..............

As we headed into the Christmas season this year, I pondered on how I would be able to bless my kids at Christmas. Considering my circumstances of late, I simply wasn't sure how it would happen. A wonderful time to trust my Daddy would provide, and provide He did! 

God never ceases to wow me these days and prove himself to me. He loves to show me He loves me and my boys over and over. This Christmas He chose to melt my heart yet again. 

First off I must say, I had no money to buy anything for anyone this Christmas. Of course this saddened me greatly, but at the same time I was able to just be on the receiving end. A humbling yet very wonderful place to be. So a dear friend called me up one day and said she wanted the boys Christmas lists. She was going shopping for them for me as she knew  I couldn't afford Christmas. I was truly blessed by this! 

Then another friend asked the same thing and purchased something very special for each of the boys that was on their lists. I was so grateful as it is hard for a mother to not be able to bless her kids with gifts on Christmas. I felt His kindness pouring out on me for my kids! He is too good! 

And if that isn't enough, one day my neighbor, who I barely know let me know he was collecting Toys for Tots and that he wanted me to come by and go through the bins and pick out some things for the boys. I was floored! Wow! More blessings, as if the gifts my friends got weren't already enough. Isn't God cool like that?!! He is the God of MORE than enough. So I went over to pick up the toys one day and my neighbor wasn't there, I was afraid that the bins had already been picked up as it was 3 days until Christmas. So I began to write them off in my mind and told my mom and my friend I thought I had missed out on them. The next day, I saw my neighbor and I asked if it was too late. He said hold on and ran inside and came back out with a HUGE bag of toys that he had set aside for the boys. I was tickled! I thanked him profusely and I could see the joy all over his face. And guess what? This guy isn't even a believer. Jesus just loved on my boys through him. I find that so profoundly wonderful! 

Fast forward to the next day, as I was busy wrapping the gifts, I get a phone call from my mom. She wanted me to come over and pick something up. She said her friend's daughter had just dropped off 3 HUGE bins of stuff for us. I drove over and my jaw dropped to the floor as I saw the very large bins and the huge bag of clothes as well. My mom told me that she had told her girlfriend about my let down with the neighbors toys (which never actually happened after all), and she mentioned it to her daughters and her daughters decide to take matters into their own hands. I quickly loaded up the car and dashed home to  wrap the gifts before the boys came home from their dads. (by the way these are from people I have never actually met! just people with really big hearts - Jesus loved me real good through them!)

As I looked through the bins I just laughed my head off. How could I be so blessed?!! He really really loves me and looks out for me - in abundance!! My heart was so full!! Not only did Jesus wrap himself in flesh and come to earth and live to die for me, but he also cared enough to make my first Christmas as a single mom extra special! Like I said, He is MORE than enough!!

Honestly I am welling up with tears as I type this, reflecting on the miracle of this Christmas fills my heart so full I can't contain it. I must let it overflow and I pray that this testimony touches others hearts and blesses many. We are blessed because He loves to bless! No other reason - !! 

The path I am on............

So I think it's time to share some of my life with you all. I'm just gonna get really good and transparent, open and real. Not that I have a problem with being open, actually I have quite the opposite problem - how to not say TOO much. That's right I have a big mouth - oy! Anyway, I have been walking through a season of life that has been rather intense and messy. Most christians would not understand, most certainly not my old church, but that's a whole 'nother story. 

I feel as though I have to go back in time a bit in order to share my current situation. Two years ago, in the summer of '07, I had reached the point of desperation, I was so fed up with trying to survive my marriage and my life, I threw my hands up in the air and left my husband and ignored all my church peeps and went to our home which was for sale in another state. It was then and there that God's glorious gospel of grace burst forth in my heart in bright array. Understanding His love and the truth of His grace set me so free on the inside that I really began to see the weight of the muck I had been in. The heavy condemnation from my church and my husband, as well as trying to survive living with an alcoholic. Because of His grace I knew I could not stay at my old church, and because of his grace I felt I could embrace the difficulties with my husband. 

Initially, I had a lot of fighting to do to keep this message primary and to deny all the opposition that came my way. It was brutal! Absolutely brutal! Yet somehow, the joy I felt inside overshadowed the darkness that I was experiencing. The challenge was,  getting rid of old lies I had been taught, and standing up to someone who thought it was okay to torment me from sun up to sundown on a daily basis. It sure was not the prettiest of times on the outside, but underneath it all He was permeating His life through me. Oh the joy of Christ! 

As time went on grace grew in me, came alive in me and I could never go back to how it used to be. (The slave woman was now the free woman!!) I wanted so desperately for that to be true for my husband too, but alas he continued to stay stuck. Really stuck. The kind of stuck where you begin to wonder if you should be a part of it, (without saying too much here). Thankfully, God gave me courage and spoke to my heart about how precious I am to him. One day, I had to take my stand and I did. 

This past May, a situation occurred that caused my husband and I to be separated (yet again, for about the 4th time or so). This was more my choice than his to be quite honest. I could no longer tolerate his choices that so deeply affected mine and my children's lives. 

So here I am, a single mom with 4 young boys, yet again standing up for freedom. The past 6 months have been full of complications and attempted condemnation to take me down. I have had to stand firm in the truth I know and not let fear and condemnation overcome me. It has been quite a challenging season, yet somehow I am happier than ever! 

I recently shared of some difficulties I have been going through, those were just the tip of the iceberg. Those came on top of heaps of challenges I have faced these past six months, which is why I grew so very weary. (yet did not faint, cause He is holding me, thank goodness!!) Thankfully, through this season God has become more real to me, more dear to me and I would not give that up for anything. He has broken through time and time again, when I have been beaten down again and again. He has been so good and so faithful!!

One of the challenges I have faced recently was having my car taken away from me, and not being able to do anything about it. That's not a fun place to be these days with 4 kids, as most can well imagine. I am already in a pickle in so many ways, and then my car gets ripped right out from under my nose to boot. I certainly have not enjoyed this situation, but my Daddy knows my needs and meets them. Just when I was really feeling the pain of having no car and having to be very needy, He broke through.

Just yesterday, my brother called me, which is very rare. He told me he wanted to come over and visit, I obliged. He asked me if I needed anything, such as groceries picked up. I said, 'I need a car!' (since I was feeling rather desperate about it).  Anyway, he came over and visited with the boys a bit, then told me he actually had a reason for coming over. I said, 'Ok'.  He said, 'I recently got this idea, and I thought it would work, and now I know it will work and.......' Then he handed me car keys. Yes car keys!! He gave me a car!! Not only that, but he had just gotten it inspected the day before so it is fully inspected for one year, full tank of gas, along with a gas car and will cover my insurance for now. He made all this happen, in addition to getting his own  family another car to replace the car he was giving me. All within one week's time (that was when he got the idea, a week ago.) CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!!  I just stood there in shock, and all I could think was God you really really do love me!!!! Wow!! 

This is just one of the many examples of how God has cared for me through this time. I have had to fully lean on Him for provision, and it has been scary. Scary, cause I cannot see how things will work out. But wonderful, because I really get to see Him keep His word to me and provide in ways I could never imagine. Folks when God says He promises to provide - HE MEANS IT!!!

I write all of this because I feel compelled to share my life with you all. Compelled to inspire, to encourage and to say, we simply can not mess up grace. We may think that because of grace our lives should start to look a certain way. Success should be ours in every area of life, namely relationships, right? I never would have thought I would be in this position in life, nor would I have ever wanted to be. Yet alas, here I am. I have found that we simply cannot choose for others, we can only choose to believe God for ourselves. Sometimes it takes much more for others to give up and run to Jesus, and some may never relent. As hard as that is to watch, and as painful as it is to be in the thick of with anyone, let alone your spouse, we can stand firmly rooted in His grace for us. There is only so much grace you can extend to one who chooses to destroy their lives and take you down with them, at some point you just have to release them to God and run to safety. That is the path I am on. 

So as I walk this road that is both challenging, scary and yet freeing as well, I ask you all to join me. I most definitely appreciate the way the body looks out for it's own, as many of you have so faithfully shown me time and time again. Shalom............

Performance Based Acceptance..........

Okay, so it's day late, but I am going to post a brief testimony of my life pre-grace, while still in the mire of performance based acceptance, to join in on the syncroblog. I have since learned since breaking free from the performance treadmill, ie religion/legalism/much of the modern day church, is that my greatest need all along was love and acceptance. I had spent all my life up until the summer of '07 trying to get love and acceptance whatever way I knew how. I am here to tell you about the years of my life that I sought to gain love and acceptance through my performance. Only thing is, I didn't know then what I know now, and didn't know that that is what I was after and that was how I was trying to gain acceptance. By my behavior and performance. The problem was not ultimately me all along, the problem was what I believed. 

After years of living in the world seeking for acceptance and love, of which I never truly found, I became pregnant. Unmarried and scared, the next several months were the most challenging months I ever faced. When the time came near for my son to be born, I had come to the realization that I needed God. Though I didn't fully know why at the time. I told him I knew I needed him, but I just couldn't live up to the christian life. I just couldn't do it! He told me not to worry about it, and to let Him do it for me! I realized I could live with that, and slowly opened my heart back up to him. 

Shortly after this time, I returned to church. I found my husband, got married and became committed to the church. I served and pursued growing as a christian. I took marriage classes, parenting classes, read all the recommended books, struggled to have quiet times, had accountability, and more. I thought that juggling all these plates was my duty and it was the ticket to a disciplined mature christian life. Only trouble was, I was dying on the inside. I did not have true joy, and had many struggles in my marriage. The struggles were due to the high bar we tried to hold over each other, and we both fell way short. They were exasperated by ongoing council from our pastor, which only caused more pain and turmoil. 

What happened was awful and ugly and I won't go into detail here, as I have shared parts of my testimony throughout my blog. BUT, what broke us free, was finally hearing the truth of the Gospel in it's entirety for the first time, with NO conditions. You see, I knew about grace, but I only knew about the half of it, and then mix that with still trying to apply the law and standards to my life and you have a recipe for disaster. 

It was the summer of '07 and I listened to a message by Rob Rufus. In it he explained the distinction between grace and law. And I remember at one point in the message, he shared this....he said, "I want to say, categorically............you have NO christian duties!"  WHAT!!!  The next thing I remember hearing from him, was the promise in Isaiah 54 of how God is no longer angry with us. These truths began to really set me free to receive the truth of the Gospel and God's love and acceptance for me so fully. I had finally found what I had been looking for all my life!! It was available all along, but I had not seen or been taught the truth. I had believed lies, and that had caused me to live in such a way that caused a void in me. I experienced true joy for the first time in my life!! 

I choose not to ponder the past, because He is doing a new thing in me. Each day I press on, living in the present, experiencing His presence, love and joy over me. It's an exciting and wild journey this life, based on HIS performance for me! Thanks to Jesus, I am accepted by God, and seen as He sees Christ, perfect forever, the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, holy, blameless, spotless, seated in heavenly places, as a Son and heir of God!!!

Then and now..............

I am restored and made new......................

So, what's the difference in my life since then, since I was living in confusion about who I was in Christ and how God felt about me?

Well, then, I lived often confused, often feeling like I wasn't ever good enough, like I wasn't mature and needed to somehow 'grow' and be more holy, have more discipline in my life.

Now, I know I am holy, set apart to God! He said it not me! I don't need to be sanctified, I already am. I can't do anything more or less to attain my status or change it! I am complete and whole in Him, PERIOD!! (My 'sanctification' if you will is just me getting a greater and greater hold on who I am, believing in the Truth and letting it do it's work in me)

Back then, I often felt depressed, but didn't know it. Endlessly emotional, tossed to and fro. Tired, mentally, physically and spiritually. Self-conscious and insecure. Struggling with fear of man and what I could do to please people.

Now, I am full of joy and totally know it!! I am happy and growing more and more stable as time rolls on. Physically energized, mentally stimulated and spiritually alive!! Christ conscious and VERY SECURE!! Now I do not give in to fear of man like I did back then. It's tempting, but no thanks!!

Back then, I was wary of people. I scrutinized everyone and often judged others in my heart. I had a hard time making 'real' friends and relating to others. My relationship with God was impaired. My relationship with my husband was wrought with angst and criticism. My relationship with my kids was more about correction and teaching them, than accepting and loving them.

Now, I see people as precious loved ones of a most High God. I am quicker to accept others and not regard them according to their flesh, but instead according to how God sees them. Whether saved or unsaved. I have some of the best friends I have ever had in my whole life, and can be totally real and honest with them. My relationship with God has never been better. We talk, we laugh, we grieve, dance, play and love together. My husband and I are now live in peace and happiness and no longer judge each other. I adore my kids and regard them as precious. I can't believe how much I love them and no longer view them as 'objects' to train and teach, but as unique individuals that I can nuture and encourage.

Then, I lived with a lot of guilt. Condemnation consumed me. I could barely function. I was uptight and grumpy often. I didn't know who I really was. Depression was my companion and I did not know how to get free from it.

Now, I am free from guilt, shame and condemnation. Not just in the sense that that is True in God's Word, but I am living in that truth now. And if condemnation ever comes my way, I stand up fight and it quickly goes. I function out of peace and just go with the flow of what each new day brings. Enjoying the fresh mercies God sends along daily. I am much freer and happier. Joy is my constant companion. I am beginning to find my true self, and all the passions I held inside are now bursting forth with fresh life!!

"Christ has set us

free to live a free life.

So take your stand!

Never again let anyone

put a harness

of slavery on you."

- Galatians 5:1

The Message

Testimony time.........

Years ago, I gave my testimony on stage at my home church, telling of how God captured my heart for Himself, despite myself. Problem was, my testimony wasn't really well told back then. Back then, I thought it was a miracle that, despite my past and the trials I faced due to my 'rebellion', I was now 'living' for God again. Basically, my testimony was shared to say, 'see how God turned my life around, and now I am back in church serving him and living my life for him'. At the time, I honestly believed, I had been rescued from a life of sin and rebellion and had now returned to God. Kinda like the prodigal son. Only thing was, I wasn't returning to the Father like the one in the story of the prodigal. Well, essentially I was, but I soon realized the God I was being taught about was not like the Father with open arms ready to throw a party for me and give me His finest robes and signet ring. It was more like once I got back initially the arms were open wide, but after awhile, they were folded across His chest and He was tapping His foot at me. So, here I was 'restored' to God, yet stuck. I was essentially the same person, except that now I zealously went to church and tried to practice godly living and disciplines. 

Well, today I'd like to remedy that poorly told tale. In case there is anyone else out there who has decided to run home from the pigpen like me. I would simply want you to know the God, I know now. The God, who has always been the same. Who has always had nothing but love and acceptance for me. I just didn't know it. Maybe you don't either.

I grew up in the church. From a wee babe to a young adult. Christian school too. As a young adult I began to want to see the world, the world outside of the walls of Christianity. I wasn't afraid to explore, but unfortunately there were those who were afraid of me getting sucked into a 'lost' and wicked world. Well, the world was way more welcoming to me than I had formerly believed and soon I was enjoying my freedom from all the restrictions Christianity placed upon me. Years went by and I found myself pregnant and not married. This was the one thing I had always said wouldn't happen to me. But it did. If only I could describe the shame and guilt that I experienced back then, but I am sure that would depress anyone. My whole world began to crash down around me. I lost friends. I lost everything. I was cornered into a pit of despairing and there was only one place to turn. Towards the end of my pregnancy, after the decision to parent my child was made, I had a debate with God that went like this. 

"God, I know I need you, but I can't do it! I can't do this christian life, I just can't do it!" 

I knew I couldn't live up to all those standards that I had believed were part of what it meant to be a christian. I didn't even want to. He lovingly reassured me;

"You don't have to do it! I will!!" 

Me, with a bit of surprise and relief; "Well, then if that's the case, then I am all yours!!" 

Wow! This was freeing to me! Just in time, too,  for me to enjoy the birth of my precious son. I still felt quite weak and frightened, but clung to the hope in the words He spoke to my heart. It wasn't long after that, that I found a church to attend. Thinking this was the first step to my new life in Him, I began to get involved. I slowly began to enjoy myself and let go of fear, and began to read my Bible and enjoy worshipping Him in freedom. Unfortunately, this did not last too long because I slowly got all bound back up again by the same things I had been bound by before. Standards, principles, expectations, fear, and this time a greater consciousness of sin than ever before in my life. I somehow thought and was taught this was holy living. Let me tell you, it slowly sucked all the life and joy right back out of me. 

What I wish had happened then, was that I remained in my freedom, my childlike joy and trust that God would hold me and keep me. Somehow I knew that was true in my head, but in my heart I could not understand this truth. Deep down I felt like a failure again. I didn't feel like I knew God anymore and I was saddened because I had just started to get to know Him. He felt distant, though He was not. He was always right with me and beckoning me to draw near, but the veil was over my eyes and I couldn't see or hear Him calling out to me. What had happened was, I was being taught that my heart was deceitful. I was constantly being taught all kinds of principles for godly living. How to be a better wife, mother, lover, home-maker, friend, servant, witness and so on. Day in and day out, I felt guilty if I did not have a quiet time. And the list goes on. 

I wish someone had told me the truth. That the Gospel was way better than I thought and that God is not angry with me. I wish I had heard the truth about how I was no longer under the supervision of the law. I wish I heard that I was more than just forgiven, and that I know had a completely new life! I wish someone had told me to rest and abide in the amazing love of God and that nothing I ever do will seperate me from His love. I wish that someone had told me, God isn't trying to still fix me, or sanctify me, but that He has made me perfect forever. That He finished the work that needed to be done, so I could live in a perfect unity with my God and Father. That He is no longer counting my sins against me and remembering them no more!! 

The truth all along was that I had not truly rebelled against God back when I strayed from church and into the world. I had rebelled against religion. I had rebelled against the self-righteous church life and legalism. I ran away from that, because it was not attractive to me. Once I heard God tell me I didn't have to live right, but that He would live for me, I perked right up! I thought now this is a God I can come to! 

God is not the god that religion and most of christianity paints Him to be. Don't fall for that god! Run into the arms of the One who did it all! The One who all along was looking from a far and waiting for you. The One who runs with arms outstretched no matter what you have done, or where you are coming from. The One who will clothe you with His royal robes of righteousness (not your own) and give you His very name and inheritance! The One who will throw the hugest party ever as you return from the sty. Not only that, but a God who dealt with the 'old' me and made me new. By giving me a brand new nature, HIS!! 

That is my real testimony. I found out that all along God had always loved me despite how I lived my life. God always wanted me, despite the fact that I slept around. God chose to call me righteous, because He gave me a gift of righteousness, despite the fact that I had lived in sin for so long. He chose to call me His own and to place me in Christ and seat me with Him in Heavenly Places, despite that fact that I had been living in the muck and mire. This great God and Father, will never condemn me, will never point out my faults and will love me ridiculously and lavishly no matter what!! Hallelujah! 

Now don't you wish someone told you about this truly awesome amazing loving God long ago?That's why I am sharing it now! He wants to live through you too! Not you living for Him, but Christ in YOU! Alive and living only the life He could live!! Grace and peace to all who read here.....................!!

Jesus is an Awesome Plumber.....

Okay, I realize that title may have you wondering, what on earth? Has she gone loopy? Just hear me out. I have pondered the goodness and blessings of God in my life of late, and I just can't get over how much some of the little things he does just bless my socks off. I felt that the Lord would have me share some of them with others as an encouragment. 

My car was due to be inspected at the end of December. We did not have the finances, nor did we have the time to spare to lose our car for a day, as we only have one vehicle these days. So a few weeks went by and we finally had the money and so I scheduled it to be inspected. The day prior to the car going in to get all legal and official, I was driving along, illegally mind you,  and a cop passed me. A bit of fear rose up inside me, as I peered out the window to see if he might turn around and follow me. Perhaps he had seen my sticker. Sure enough, he did a U-turn. I decided that I would not let fear take over me, and just began to declare the truth about myself. I am God's princess, I have the King of Heaven on my side, no one can come against me. I am protected and preserved and kept by the God of the Universe!! Despite the fact that I indeed deserved a ticket, I decided not going to worry! He followed me for 6 long minutes, right behind me. The whole time I was watching and waiting and laughing. Finally, as I turned onto my street he continued on. Pfhew. I was so relieved. I was beginning to live as though God was watching out for me even though I don't deserve his blessings. The next day we took in the car for inspection. For a month or more, we had the sense that we would need to drop $400-600 on the car. We seriously thought we'd need 2 new tires as our mechanic had told us in the summer we would, and we thought we may need brake work. I had set the money aside for this and was banking on dropping some serious dough that day. Imagine to my surprise, when I called at the end of the day, to hear the receptionist say, the car passed all you needed was one brake light!! I was elated! What a blessing!!

 The following day, Keith came to me with a dumbfounded look on his face. I wondered if something was wrong and asked what was up. He said, "You know that item I was trying to sell, that I thought I was going to only make X amount on, it sold for double that!!!" (He makes his living, believe it or not, as an ebay entropenaur and it was a BIG ticket item!)

I was delighted. I thought, "Yes, this is the blessing that God bestows upon his children! This is the New Covenant life! One blessing after another!!" 

I share all of that to encourage! I share all of that to speak the truth of Jesus, the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. When you hear someone's testimony of the goodness of God, it should encourage you to have faith for the blessings in your own life. This may seem like a small example, but it came after a month of many other blessings, some little and some more significant. What I realized was, I am to expect my Daddy to bless me. I am to believe that He is good all the time and that it truly is His heart to pour out His abundant goodness upon me and my family in many ways. Perhaps He wants me to get a hold of this truth so securely that I won't waiver and doubt in His truly good goodness! 

Okay so on with the rest of the story that inspired the title to this post. Several days ago or maybe it's been a week by now, I found my laundry room flooded. Problem =clogged sink drain that the wash empties into, therefore overflow!!! 

I spent significant time cleaning up the mess, then bailing out the sink, pouring boiling water, vinegar and baking soda, and then the heavy duty stuff................still clogged. This was over the course of 2 days. I had no luck. I wasn't thrilled about all of this, but I chose not to despair or let this problem ruin my peace and joy in life. So, instead I began to believe that God could unclog it for me and I asked him if He would please do just that. I would have called a plumber, but Keith didn't want me to. So what did I do, I asked my Daddy to fix it for me! After days of not being able to do laundry due to a drain that just wouldn't budge, I decided to go to the laundromat. I didn't prefer to do that, but I couldn't call a plumber since my hubby just couldn't wrap his mind around that. Anyway, yesterday I went into the laundry room to deal with some of the laundry and prepare to take the rest of the dirty stuff to the laundry mat. To my surprise and utter glee, the drain was empty after having had a puddle of water standing still in it all week!! I quickly turned on the water to see if it would continue to drain, YUP!! I quickly started a load of wash to see if it would drain too.....................it did, and faster than ever!! I was elated, I yelled up to Keith, "Jesus is the best plumber ever!!" 

Now you make think I am crazy, and perhaps irresponsible even, but think about how huge this is to a mom of 4 small kids, who does at least 2 loads of laundry a day!! I was dancing and singing and just so grateful that I did not have to a) wait any longer to be able to do laundry in my own home, and b) call a plumber and prepare to shell out big bucks, and c) because my Daddy God saw fit to meet my need even though I simply did not deserve it!! You see it's all of the blessings no matter how big or small, that I delight in!! If any blessing comes my way, I hope to stop and take note, and remember that my Father is kind to me. That even the small things matter to him. That He is not just going to take care of me because I have needs, but because it is in His very nature and heart of hearts to bless me! And any of His children for that matter!! (And do you know what, it is just like him to unclog my drain, because isn't he all about releasing freedom!! haha....)

So, I share this to hopefully be a reminder that we are to expect His goodness in our life! My experience of His goodness has increased over the time I have been getting a hold of His grace. Not just in my circumstances, but inside of me, in my heart and mind! I find myself very content lately. Not everything in my life is perfect, it never will be, but I am content and have great peace, because of His great love and awesome goodness!! Thanks to His grace, I do not have to qualify for the blessings. Jesus qualified for me, so I can live in the blessings and abundance of my inheritance in Him!! Thank you Jesus!!

John 1:16 - "From the fullness of his grace, we have all received one blessing after another." 

Patricia King shares her testimony......

I found this video clip of Patricia King sharing her testimony and wanted to share it with you! 

I appreciated hearing her heart and understanding her past connection to the New Age Movement and why she got involved in it. I think it is important to understand her perspective on this, because often we can misjudge people involved in obvious occult practices. Check it out!

Prophetic.TV - Steve Shultz's interview with Patricia King

More Impartation......

Last night I attended a worship service at House of God's Light. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this, but as this is sort of a journal of mine and as I love sharing testimonies in the hope that it will stir up others and in a sense I hope this post may "impart" something to others who read here. So here goes. 

I have already shared a few testimonies of meetings I have experienced with this group, here, here and here. It seems to me there is a momentum going in these meetings, especially since Neil and Janet Lozano have returned from Lakeland Florida. This truly is a group hungering for more of God, and for the Spirit of the Lord to come and touch them and transform lives. Neil prayed for the group and began to walk around and pray individually for people as the Spirit led him to, laying hands on individuals to impart what God had given to him and to Janet in Lakeland. As he walked around the room you could hear people being touched by God in various ways. One thing that was so precious to me, was that many of the children stayed in the meeting and were touched by the Spirit as well. It was awesome! 

For me personally it was a huge time of refreshing . The past two days had been emotionally draining and difficult for me. I knew I desperately needed to be encouraged and God did not disappoint, he knew just what I needed.  A wonderful woman named Ann came over to pray for me (at this point I had already been prayed for once and had spent some time soaking and at this point was just watching everyone else receive.) She said, " I just want to bless you, because you have already been such a blessing to me."  Are you feeling the love?! And so we prayed and I got hit with the most intense hysterical laughter! I just love that we can fall under the power of God and laugh our head off, is God not so fun or what!  It did not wane for some time, and then she put her hand on me again, and said "How about some more," and again I rolled around in hysterics. I think she must have been enjoying it, because she did it again, "Oh how about one more time."  I couldn't stop and my stomach was beginning to hurt! I am telling you this is good stuff, this is God's way of blessing us and touching us tangibly!! Well apparently others wanted to see it continue and I got touched few more times and just couldn't stop the gut wrenching hilarium (if that's even a word.) It truly was precious, I got so filled I was overflowing!! 

What is the point, some may wonder? Well, just this morning I was hugging one of my kids and I just couldn't help but tickle him and make him laugh. Then I was holding my littlest one and I couldn't help but squish him and kiss him. And I think God is like that, He loves us so much and wants to bless us and touch us tangibly. Just like our kids feel special and loved when we touch them, we too are so blessed when we sense the love our Heavenly Father tangibly. I once read a book where my favorite chapter was entitled, "Saturation Love." The whole purpose of the chapter was encouraging parents to make an effort to saturate their kids with physical love, such as hugging, tickling, holding, kissing and just telling them how much they love them. Why?- so that children would be so confident in their parents love for them that it would begin to transform their lives and help them grow confident and secure. When we are touched by God's tangible love for us, we can be so confident in His love for us that it gives us a confidence that hopefully spills out of us and onto others. Knowing God's love will transform you and you will never be the same!! 

Christianity is not just religion, or theology or doctrine and dutiful serving or right living or pursuing holiness. Christianity should be all about a relationship. When we ask Jesus into our hearts we are in essence saying I want to be in relationship with you. Jesus made a way so the curtain could be torn in two, allowing us permanent access to God. We can relate with Him any time freely. It's truly amazing! (before the cross it was not this way, thank you Jesus for what you have purchased for us!)

Another thing I was thinking of that I think helps tie this post together a bit, was something I learned as a young child from the catechism. What is the chief end of man? Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever!! (correct me if I am wrong, but I think that is the gist.) So, in essence we can glorify God by enjoying Him, by enjoying His special touches on our lives!! God wants us to enjoy Him......it truly brings him glory!! Amen!

Soaking it all in........

Wow!! I just got back from an awesome weekend...hanging with some awesome old friends, and some dear new friends, as well as having the privilege of attending an amazing church filled with freedom and liberty and on top of that, was able to be a part of Bill Johnson ministering.....!!!

On Friday afternoon I traveled by myself, a free woman (remember I have 4 young boys!) to my friends, Mark and Amy DeVita's house to stay and hang out, catch up and be able to go hear Bill Johnson at their church. There are numerous awesome intricate details that were so clearly the Lord, simply weaving together before our eyes, that it would take a small book to include....so I will simply just hit the highlights for me personally.

On Friday night, we arrived and got seated and waited for worship to kick off.....as we sat their I told Amy how I kept thinking something was on my head, I kept reaching up thinking it was my sunglasses but they weren't there and the feeling I was experiencing was like something encircling the top of my head and was really real. It was like a weight but I felt no uncomfortable pressure.... Amy and I concluded that it was my crown...!!! How sweet!!

Worship started and was wonderful...I can't remember a single song we sang and ended up just singing my own praises to the Lord from my heart, along with a sea of other voices worshipping our High and Mighty King and Father in Heaven....all the while I experienced such a weighty thick manifest Presence of the Lord, so real and so on me, I felt it difficult to stay standing and eventually had to go down to the floor, and spend some time before the Lord worshipping Him on my knees, just laughing and crying and soaking......there was a point in the worship that I could see a clear picture while I had my eyes closed worshipping, it was while we were singing the words, let your fire fall, let your wind blow let your glory come down and then sang ..let it rain down, over and over......I saw a picture of people holding up umbrellas.....I had never seen a clear picture like that before while worshipping.....awesome.....!! Worship went on for quite a long time and it truly was wonderful.....I was so grateful to be in a place of such hunger with no agendas to finish at a certain time, just go with the flow of the Spirit's leading......at some point during the worship we were lead to put our hand on the person's shoulder's next to us and pray, I honestly can't remember what we prayed for, sorry...fuzzy here, but the Lord met me in a way I honestly had been longing for, for quite some time.....I burst into hysterical ridiculous laughter, gut wrenching, snorting the whole works....it was so fun!!! Who says being a Christian isn't fun!!! It's just so amazing to me that the Holy Spirit really ministers to us in such random ways....but, it is so kind of God to give us the gift of spontaneous laughter, as laughter does one good like medicine....!!

Bill came to speak and to minister to us and it was like a friend walked up to the platform to preach. I have been listening to the podcast for some time now and have grown accustomed to him in a way I feel like I know him. But when he got up to speak I was so affected by how real and approachable he seemed...simple, no airs about him, no sense of hierarchy or fame whatsoever, just a real man, in love with God and passionate to bless others with the amazing gift to teach and unpack Scripture in a mind boggling manner.....it was simply refreshing!!!

I won't attempt to share on the message he brought, unfortunately I forgot to bring a notebook to take notes....but it was amazing, and maybe someday I will listen again and type up some notes. What I really loved was being able to firsthand be a part of his healing ministry. At the end of his message he began to prophesy healings that the Lord wanted to heal....he would call out the illness, disease or infirmity and have folks get involved, lay hands on the person and pray ..... this was very cool to be a part of....

I have never been in the midst of such ministry....anyway, a woman next to me needed prayer for her back from the base of her head to her tailbone she had experienced discomfort, and I am not sure of the reason, but several ladies, including myself all prayed over her.....we stayed with her for quite some time, praying everything we felt led and massaging her back for her while she tried to stretch it out and check it out....it was so precious to me to be a part of this....to me it felt like there was so much love and compassion in all the people in the room to see people set free from their afflictions...what a joy to see God's people operating in this way....she eventually was able to touch her toes without any pain and felt free....Hallelujah!! She said to me, "I feel awesome, isn't God so good, do you feel awesome too!!" Wow folks, if only church could always be like this.....at least it should be.....Jesus healed them all....he preached and healed!!!

Well, all this went on for some time and as it sort of officially ended, Amy, Toni, Chrissy and I spent some more time just praying for each other for different things......it was very precious to speak life and pray and encourage one another in the Presence of our Daddy! The unity we experienced was powerful!! This was only day one of an awesome weekend...so I will save Saturday's testimonies for another post. My heart is to share my life, my testimony....I believe in the power of testimony.....and I hope and pray to stir up hunger for others, as others have done and are doing still for me!! Grace and peace to all who read this!!! And God is Awesome and He Loves You more than you know!!!!!

(the photos above from left to right..Toni, Chrissy, Me, Amy.)

Soaking it all in........

Wow!! I just got back from an awesome weekend...hanging with some awesome old friends, and some dear new friends, as well as having the privilege of attending an amazing church filled with freedom and liberty and on top of that, was able to be a part of Bill Johnson ministering.....!!!

On Friday afternoon I traveled by myself, a free woman (remember I have 4 young boys!) to my friends, Mark and Amy DeVita's house to stay and hang out, catch up and be able to go hear Bill Johnson at their church. There are numerous awesome intricate details that were so clearly the Lord, simply weaving together before our eyes, that it would take a small book to include....so I will simply just hit the highlights for me personally.

On Friday night, we arrived and got seated and waited for worship to kick off.....as we sat their I told Amy how I kept thinking something was on my head, I kept reaching up thinking it was my sunglasses but they weren't there and the feeling I was experiencing was like something encircling the top of my head and was really real. It was like a weight but I felt no uncomfortable pressure.... Amy and I concluded that it was my crown...!!! How sweet!!

Worship started and was wonderful...I can't remember a single song we sang and ended up just singing my own praises to the Lord from my heart, along with a sea of other voices worshipping our High and Mighty King and Father in Heaven....all the while I experienced such a weighty thick manifest Presence of the Lord, so real and so on me, I felt it difficult to stay standing and eventually had to go down to the floor, and spend some time before the Lord worshipping Him on my knees, just laughing and crying and soaking......there was a point in the worship that I could see a clear picture while I had my eyes closed worshipping, it was while we were singing the words, let your fire fall, let your wind blow let your glory come down and then sang ..let it rain down, over and over......I saw a picture of people holding up umbrellas.....I had never seen a clear picture like that before while worshipping.....awesome.....!! Worship went on for quite a long time and it truly was wonderful.....I was so grateful to be in a place of such hunger with no agendas to finish at a certain time, just go with the flow of the Spirit's leading......at some point during the worship we were lead to put our hand on the person's shoulder's next to us and pray, I honestly can't remember what we prayed for, sorry...fuzzy here, but the Lord met me in a way I honestly had been longing for, for quite some time.....I burst into hysterical ridiculous laughter, gut wrenching, snorting the whole works....it was so fun!!! Who says being a Christian isn't fun!!! It's just so amazing to me that the Holy Spirit really ministers to us in such random ways....but, it is so kind of God to give us the gift of spontaneous laughter, as laughter does one good like medicine....!!

Bill came to speak and to minister to us and it was like a friend walked up to the platform to preach. I have been listening to the podcast for some time now and have grown accustomed to him in a way I feel like I know him. But when he got up to speak I was so affected by how real and approachable he seemed...simple, no airs about him, no sense of hierarchy or fame whatsoever, just a real man, in love with God and passionate to bless others with the amazing gift to teach and unpack Scripture in a mind boggling manner.....it was simply refreshing!!!

I won't attempt to share on the message he brought, unfortunately I forgot to bring a notebook to take notes....but it was amazing, and maybe someday I will listen again and type up some notes. What I really loved was being able to firsthand be a part of his healing ministry. At the end of his message he began to prophesy healings that the Lord wanted to heal....he would call out the illness, disease or infirmity and have folks get involved, lay hands on the person and pray ..... this was very cool to be a part of....

I have never been in the midst of such ministry....anyway, a woman next to me needed prayer for her back from the base of her head to her tailbone she had experienced discomfort, and I am not sure of the reason, but several ladies, including myself all prayed over her.....we stayed with her for quite some time, praying everything we felt led and massaging her back for her while she tried to stretch it out and check it out....it was so precious to me to be a part of this....to me it felt like there was so much love and compassion in all the people in the room to see people set free from their afflictions...what a joy to see God's people operating in this way....she eventually was able to touch her toes without any pain and felt free....Hallelujah!! She said to me, "I feel awesome, isn't God so good, do you feel awesome too!!" Wow folks, if only church could always be like this.....at least it should be.....Jesus healed them all....he preached and healed!!!

Well, all this went on for some time and as it sort of officially ended, Amy, Toni, Chrissy and I spent some more time just praying for each other for different things......it was very precious to speak life and pray and encourage one another in the Presence of our Daddy! The unity we experienced was powerful!! This was only day one of an awesome weekend...so I will save Saturday's testimonies for another post. My heart is to share my life, my testimony....I believe in the power of testimony.....and I hope and pray to stir up hunger for others, as others have done and are doing still for me!! Grace and peace to all who read this!!! And God is Awesome and He Loves You more than you know!!!!!

(the photos above from left to right..Toni, Chrissy, Me, Amy.)

a testimony of His Grace....

So, today I was reflecting on this past year and remembering where my family and I were at a year ago this time. Last year this time we were going through a really difficult time(what seemed like hell to me) in our marriage, as well as job, home and other issues. I had left my husband in one state and moved to another with my kids, and was very pregnant!  Our finances were scary and we needed to sell our house! I struggled greatly with fear for our future. I was convinced there was no way my husband would change and I would end up a single mom with 4 kids to feed!! (actually that was my emotions talking to me, in my heart of hearts I knew God could triumph over our situation!) I was an emotional wreck!  I wouldn't even speak to my husband because every time we spoke we just got in a fight! Part of the problem became me laying a ton of expectations on him as a sort of list of remedies, so to speak. The more he tried the more I wanted of him and he eventually became very overwhelmed and depressed, as did I. I realize now, how self-righteous I had been with him in many ways. I was holding up a bar to high for him to reach, and honestly it wasn't at all what God wanted from him......He just wanted his heart, and mine so he could have a relationship with us. Instead of us trying to "be" a certain way, or acheive certain "godly" attributes in our marriage relationship.

I remember at some point we had a break through and began to relate and talk over some Scriptures we were reading independently of each other, but they were the same Scriptures. We were so encouraged by what we were learning and that the Lord was showing us the same things at the same time. I think that was the beginning of us communicating again and we eventually worked our way toward living together again and going to counciling. (which by the way did not help at all!)

Anyway, this is an abbreviated version of what fully happened, but I share it only to boast in God's goodness, faithfulness and Awesome Grace! I believe it was this time last year he planted a seed of His Love in our heart that began to grow over the course of the year and has now become a good sized plant, if you ask me! We did not do one single thing in our own effort that got us to this place of peace, joy and restoration! In fact when we did try to make things better, we only made things worse and failed miserably! Now we just continue to bask in His Grace and let it do the work in our hearts which eventually flows out through our actions and speech! We are in a Great place compared to a year ago! We are the best we have ever been! It's quite amazing actually. Freeing! To just rest in God knowing He will live His life through us and we just allow it and cooperate with the Spirit! How cool is that!!!! God is way too COOL! 

(oh and a side effect, we can't stop talking about God, and all that He is teaching us and we enjoy being together sharing our hearts with each other, it is so rich!) Praise God for His faithful pursuit of us, for capturing our hearts so fully with His Lavish, wonderful, amazing, sweet, fabulous, totally GREAT GRACE!!!!!  Thank You LORD!!!

a testimony of His Grace....

So, today I was reflecting on this past year and remembering where my family and I were at a year ago this time. Last year this time we were going through a really difficult time(what seemed like hell to me) in our marriage, as well as job, home and other issues. I had left my husband in one state and moved to another with my kids, and was very pregnant!  Our finances were scary and we needed to sell our house! I struggled greatly with fear for our future. I was convinced there was no way my husband would change and I would end up a single mom with 4 kids to feed!! (actually that was my emotions talking to me, in my heart of hearts I knew God could triumph over our situation!) I was an emotional wreck!  I wouldn't even speak to my husband because every time we spoke we just got in a fight! Part of the problem became me laying a ton of expectations on him as a sort of list of remedies, so to speak. The more he tried the more I wanted of him and he eventually became very overwhelmed and depressed, as did I. I realize now, how self-righteous I had been with him in many ways. I was holding up a bar to high for him to reach, and honestly it wasn't at all what God wanted from him......He just wanted his heart, and mine so he could have a relationship with us. Instead of us trying to "be" a certain way, or acheive certain "godly" attributes in our marriage relationship.

I remember at some point we had a break through and began to relate and talk over some Scriptures we were reading independently of each other, but they were the same Scriptures. We were so encouraged by what we were learning and that the Lord was showing us the same things at the same time. I think that was the beginning of us communicating again and we eventually worked our way toward living together again and going to counciling. (which by the way did not help at all!)

Anyway, this is an abbreviated version of what fully happened, but I share it only to boast in God's goodness, faithfulness and Awesome Grace! I believe it was this time last year he planted a seed of His Love in our heart that began to grow over the course of the year and has now become a good sized plant, if you ask me! We did not do one single thing in our own effort that got us to this place of peace, joy and restoration! In fact when we did try to make things better, we only made things worse and failed miserably! Now we just continue to bask in His Grace and let it do the work in our hearts which eventually flows out through our actions and speech! We are in a Great place compared to a year ago! We are the best we have ever been! It's quite amazing actually. Freeing! To just rest in God knowing He will live His life through us and we just allow it and cooperate with the Spirit! How cool is that!!!! God is way too COOL! 

(oh and a side effect, we can't stop talking about God, and all that He is teaching us and we enjoy being together sharing our hearts with each other, it is so rich!) Praise God for His faithful pursuit of us, for capturing our hearts so fully with His Lavish, wonderful, amazing, sweet, fabulous, totally GREAT GRACE!!!!!  Thank You LORD!!!

...testimony starter

I love reading people's stories and testimonies and find that there is such power in hearing how God works in other's lives.
To me they bring more revelation and more insight than one could get from a counciling session with a pastor or a public meeting joined with other believers. Something about the process, where someone has been and where they have ended up and all the in between stuff, it just matters so much....Everyone has a story, a wonderful history that God has been working on all along, that is worth sharing with someone...whether you think you have an interesting testimony or not, God has been at work in your life for good, for His purposes, and this may include encouraging others with the life you have led thus far! All this to say, I have many things I have wanted to share regarding my life, many layers of lessons, many years of heartache and disillusionment, to a current season of restoration, hope, joy, and love! Truly God has been at work, truly he has watched over my life!
I will begin to tap into my story here now, with a portion of my life to set a precursor to the latest events and workings of grace in my life and my marriage. Firstly, I was raised in a Christian home, of Reformed Baptist Theology to be exact, although I never knew what this actually meant until now, and still to this day don't really know why it matters to have a specific denomination(but that's just me!). I attended a private Christian school from grades K-12 and was very active in church and youth group as a teen, until I graduated high school. High school was for me a time of much emotion, discovery and trying to fit in and be accepted. My whole world revolved around a social context, both in school, sports, church and youth group. I sought to find friends that were genuine and true, but to no avail. Everyone was too busy discovering who they were, too concerned with, well , everything, to be comitted to care for one another truly. These were truly confusing and difficult times to be an emotional, vulnerable, and insecure girl like myself. I believed in God for sure, and I know I had a level of faith in Him that was more like a seed planted in my heart. I wanted to live for God and tried, but it didn't feel real to me. At the end of my high school years I started to date and hang out with non-Christians or should I say non-churched kids. I liked my new friends, they had a sense of carefreeness that attracted me. They didn't seem so concerned with the weight of the world, which I now know, was condemnation for all my poor "Christian" friends. Anyway, I began to taste "the things of the world" and started to discover myself (not really)....
Needless to say, most would call what happened next in my life "rebellion". I went on my own merry way from my life at home with mom and dad and discovered the world for myself. I spent a good 4-5 years living "in the world" and living "in sin" with a boyfriend. Years of my life were spent trying to just survive however I could, as far away from "religion", church and Christianity as possible. I was tired of trying to be something I wasn't, something I couldn't be, because honestly I never knew who I really was in Christ, or if I even genuinely trusted Him for myself. All those years I experienced my own personal guilt and an unspoken condemantion flew at me from my past life whenever I ran into someone from church or school. I knew deep down the path I had chosen for myself was not "right", nor was it giving God any reason to be "pleased with me". I didn't want to admit that to anyone, nor did I care to change my ways. But, God in his Sovereignty and kindness had a plan to move me from my despondency into a dependency on Him..............!

The next portion of my testimony will have to come at another post, as I have not yet decided how much of it to share publicly.........Thanks for listening so far!