Monday, February 4, 2008

a testimony of His Grace....

So, today I was reflecting on this past year and remembering where my family and I were at a year ago this time. Last year this time we were going through a really difficult time(what seemed like hell to me) in our marriage, as well as job, home and other issues. I had left my husband in one state and moved to another with my kids, and was very pregnant!  Our finances were scary and we needed to sell our house! I struggled greatly with fear for our future. I was convinced there was no way my husband would change and I would end up a single mom with 4 kids to feed!! (actually that was my emotions talking to me, in my heart of hearts I knew God could triumph over our situation!) I was an emotional wreck!  I wouldn't even speak to my husband because every time we spoke we just got in a fight! Part of the problem became me laying a ton of expectations on him as a sort of list of remedies, so to speak. The more he tried the more I wanted of him and he eventually became very overwhelmed and depressed, as did I. I realize now, how self-righteous I had been with him in many ways. I was holding up a bar to high for him to reach, and honestly it wasn't at all what God wanted from him......He just wanted his heart, and mine so he could have a relationship with us. Instead of us trying to "be" a certain way, or acheive certain "godly" attributes in our marriage relationship.
I remember at some point we had a break through and began to relate and talk over some Scriptures we were reading independently of each other, but they were the same Scriptures. We were so encouraged by what we were learning and that the Lord was showing us the same things at the same time. I think that was the beginning of us communicating again and we eventually worked our way toward living together again and going to counciling. (which by the way did not help at all!)
Anyway, this is an abbreviated version of what fully happened, but I share it only to boast in God's goodness, faithfulness and Awesome Grace! I believe it was this time last year he planted a seed of His Love in our heart that began to grow over the course of the year and has now become a good sized plant, if you ask me! We did not do one single thing in our own effort that got us to this place of peace, joy and restoration! In fact when we did try to make things better, we only made things worse and failed miserably! Now we just continue to bask in His Grace and let it do the work in our hearts which eventually flows out through our actions and speech! We are in a Great place compared to a year ago! We are the best we have ever been! It's quite amazing actually. Freeing! To just rest in God knowing He will live His life through us and we just allow it and cooperate with the Spirit! How cool is that!!!! God is way too COOL! 
(oh and a side effect, we can't stop talking about God, and all that He is teaching us and we enjoy being together sharing our hearts with each other, it is so rich!) Praise God for His faithful pursuit of us, for capturing our hearts so fully with His Lavish, wonderful, amazing, sweet, fabulous, totally GREAT GRACE!!!!!  Thank You LORD!!!

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