Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A confession.....

I must make a confession. I don't get grace! I just don't get it. My natural bent is toward, what is my part, what do I have to do? How then must I live? Ugh! I have found of late that I am battling with confusion and I don't like it. I want to live in pure grace, but I confess I don't even know what that really looks like! I have too many arguments swirling around in my head and too many old voices shouting at me.
This morning I was reminded of several truths, and have decided to camp around them for awhile, and not try to learn anything new. One of my favorite verses is Galatians 2:20; "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."
I have an indwelling Christ, alive in me!! Wow, that's comforting! I also love Colossians 1:27; ".......Christ in you, the hope of glory" - this is my only hope of experiencing the glory God has for my life!!
Christ lives in me, He manifests His life through me and accomplishes His purposes through me! I am just the vessel He chooses to use. God chooses to use me to display His glory!!
I think I am just used to living externally, rather than internally. I am used to doing and not being. I just want to learn to live from the truth of Christ lives in me! CHRIST LIVES IN ME!! That is amazing! I can't live the Christian life myself. That's because Christ wants to live it through me!! He has given me His robes of righteousness and I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! (2 Cor. 5:21) This is amazing......but I still ask, How do I live the life, the Christian life? I still ask that question!
I can't live it, I simply can't!! Here is the other thing I ask and want to know, how do I grow in Christ? What do I do? I don't understand how to differentiate between the fact that I am 100% perfect forever in the unseen realm, I am seated in heavenly places and I am complete and whole, in spirit, soul and body in that realm. However, in this seen earthly realm my condition does not match up to my position. I have needs and my state is not in alignment with my status. So how do I understand or carry on living and understanding the distinction between the unseen realm where I am already perfect and this realm where I am obviously not perfect. I don't want to try to become something I already am, but I also don't want to remain as I am as seen on the earth. Does that make sense?
This is my dilemma of late, and I dont' like it. It's wearing on me. I just want to rest in Him and live by faith in the eternal realm. I want to live seeing what God is doing, like Jesus did. Jesus lived on the earth, but didn't live out of this realm, He lived out of the heavenly realm.
I dont' want to focus on my performance or my part. I know God accepts me fully because I am in Christ. So what's my problem? I need to constantly renew my mind, get reprogrammed in a sense. I see so many other Christians trying to figure out this Christian life, trying to be more disciplined. I see this happening, and think I need to do it too. I guess I am still trying to conform, still trying to somehow fit in by man's terms. I think I am still trying to get rid of my old man that was already crucified with Christ and somehow hoping by my cooperation I can get the new to come into actuality more quickly. I mean do I even need to wrestle with my flesh! If I am dead to sin and alive to Christ, what is this war I am waging in my mind all about?
Well, this is where I currently live. This is my true heart folks! I will leave off with some more Scriptures and pray that by my next post I am recharged in HIM!!

Colossians 2:10; Colossians 1:22;1 Corinthians 2:10, 12, 14; Colossians 3:12;Romans 6:6-7; Ezekiel 36:26-27; Ephesians 4:24

Much grace and peace in our Lord Jesus Christ to all who read here today!!!


silent wings said...

Hi Lydia,

I can relate to yout struggle. :) I let go of all previous "disciplines" when I realized how much I was striving to attain righteousness in my own efforts, and yet my soul is thirsty and I am seeking to come back to the secret place through the rythm of grace. It is unfamiliar ground for me and I feel strongly not to go back to the way I did things before...but how?

One thing stuck out to me in the scripture you qouted that I feel is MOST important for us in this journey forward : "...I live by FAITH IN THE SON OF GOD...." Constantly beholding Him and trusting in Him and recieving all we need from Him.
Much grace and peace to you xo

Jamie said...

You know more about Grace than you give yourself credit for.
How did you come to know your husband? Over time- growing, sharing, learning to trust, abandoning yourself to someone. It's a relationship, right? Not a destination. And Christ is an even better husband because He doesn't fail us. Humans inevitably fail each other.
How do your children grow? Just by simply being born. They are your children by virtue of their birth, not their actions. Which is good because you sometimes look at them(especially teen-agers) and think, "You cannot be mine; you alien." :) And though they want to grow up too quickly, aren't there days where you just want to hold them in your arms and slow the clock down? Maturity just happens. And God never sees us as aliens, just His children. I think it's ok to be where you are today in your experience; it's not where you were in the past and not where you'll be in the future...but it's always in Christ. Trust Him to live through you; He's faithful.
sometimespoetry is a beautiful blog that helps me just enjoy the moment.
I promise you Jesus is enjoying every single moment with you...

Mom said...

Um Wow!! Thanks Cirra!!
Thanks RJW! That was so encouraging and so right on!!!

This is where my mind goes, it swings from confidence in God, to confusion because of my emotions and thoughts, to how can I be a better person and discipline myself, not to gain acceptance just to improve and mature. I suppose I will be swinging for the rest of my life, but my swing is always securely fastened in HIM!!! Thanks again!!

lydia said...

oops, I did it again, that last comment from mom, just means I was using my mom's computer and forgot to log in as ME!!!

Joel B. said...

Yep, growing in grace is a process, and we definitely don't "get" it all at once. :)

There have been several times when the Lord has had me camped out on one verse for a period of time. The time that always sticks out to me is the 6 to 12 month period, a few years ago, when I sat on the first half of Romans 3:19 ("whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law"), and then eventually the second half of the verse as well. I learned a lot of new things from looking at other scriptures in the light of that scripture.

There is so much "unlearning" to do from our former way of thinking, and it simply takes time to grow in knowledge and understanding and application of the truth.

While you're on Galatians 2:20... something that gave me an interesting and helpful perspective on it was Paul Anderson-Walsh's paraphrase of part of the verse: "The life I live in the flesh, I don't." (Obviously referring to it being Christ's life in me that does the living).

lydia said...

You know something told me this was a Joel kind of a post, heehee!
I think what you said about camping out on one verse, is probably a good idea. I have found myself eager to learn and listen to everything I can get my hands on, and have found myself very overwhelmed. I just have to chill out, relax and enjoy God! I can be a bit overzealous in my good intention of learning and it can often creep up on me and get me back down a path I don't want to go down. I guess I should do some more unlearning, or as Julie says "detoxing" before I try to dig into too much meat!!
Thanks for your thoughts!

Joel B. said...

"Detox" - that's a good phrase, and a common one among those who are unlearning the old religious ways and are simply wanting to know Christ and the grace of God.

"I just have to chill out, relax and enjoy God!"

Yep! I can relate to the "overzealousness" of wanting to learn too much too fast, because I've been there time and time again! But I've found that good, natural growth is hindered when I try to go to fast, and there's so much to enjoy in the "now" as I simply let go and let God grow me in His timing. Yep, this was a "Joel kind of post," but only because I can relate to so much of what you're saying. :)

silent wings said...

Much encouraged too. :)

lydia said...

I think one of the things I am trying to figure out is how to live period! Daily life, figuring out where to live, how to pay bills...etc.....where to go to church, when to try again and the list goes on.....these are more of the issues that I wrestle with of late! I am learning to act in confidence in the daily practicals, not having to have them all figured out at once - and as I rest in Him, I will flow naturally with Him - !!
So much of my post above, stems from these issues as well!!!

lydia said...

Thanks for the heads up to sometimes poetry, wow - that is the mood I am in these days, one for beauty, simplicity and inspiration!! Awesome stuff on there......!!!!

Nick Cameron said...

I don't know if we will ever fully understand grace! I have been reading a lot on grace lately and the more I read the more my brain gets baffled by it! The more sermons I hear on it the more I almost feel this is for everyone else but me! :@)
I was thinking about this the other day and I realised that my problem is I am looking at grace through the lenses of my life and my experience, it doesn't make sense because.... and then I list a whole of reasons why it doesn't add up - but God's grace is beyond a mathematical equation - it isn't comfortable so that we can work it out scientifically - it's beyond that! That is what makes it so awesome! I think we almost need to be astounded by it so that we become more grateful for it and then we have no option but to accept it and delight in it - unfortunately we seem to get stuck at the trying to work it out bit! So Lydia try revelling in it more and more - I think that the deeper you plunge the more encouraged you'll be!

lydia said...

Hi Nick,
Thanks for stopping in!! I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement! And thankfully, I am through the soulish state I was in when I wrote this post...not to say it won't ever happen again. But I am currently enjoying rest and peace in Him, not trying to have all the answers, but living and resting in the truths I do know, that I know, that I know that I know!
I often do the same thing you said and try to look at grace through the lenses of my experiences, which I have to say is "normal" -and I can see what you mean about His grace not adding up! NONE CAN FATHOM!!
Now I just want to live in pure grace, what I do confidently know is true of God and let that shape my views in all of life......!! I am confident God will work in my heart more and more and reveal more of Himself to me, but on that same note, I want to be ready and waiting to see Him, to know Him more deeply and sense Him tangibly.....I don't think I have to wait around to experience time with my Daddy in Heaven, I can just be with Him and the more I am with Him, the more I will know Him and really get more confident in His Grace.....isn't that great! So I guess I say all that to say, yes I am reveling as often as possible, and plunging into Him too - Thanks Nick!! May you be blessed and encouraged in Him today as well!!