In the thick of it all, I know something is happening inside of me, but I can't really see it. I can't feel the difference, though I can feel the pains of growth, yet there is no real outward evidence that anything is really going on. That has been hard for me. Just waiting. Trusting that His life is really being formed in me.
Today, I felt fresh hope for the first time in awhile. The rain has not ceased around here, and the weather has been adding to my constant state of unease in general. Yet, I am learning to be quiet and still and content to a degree, but there is just this wrestling within me. It gnaws at me, and I long for it to be silenced and stilled. Although, I do believe that it is a good thing, this longing I have. I often ask the Lord to show me His plans for me, to lead me forward in life. I do not want to be complacent, but I feel as though I don't know what His assignment is for me. And isn't it true that men perish for lack of vision. AGH! Well, today, something triggered in me. Something that has been planted in my spirit and I believe is starting to sprout forth, and I think I am ready and excited to embrace this new idea God is leading me into.
What a unique life this is, this life in Christ. Apart from Him I can do nothing. I really feel that. I really feel like what is the point of my life, if I am not only in Him, but He is producing life out of me for the benefit of others. I never knew why I felt this way before, and it seems to grow stronger as the years pass on. This constant pang, that causes me to be uneasy when I can't see the plan unfolding, only because I so desperately want my life to matter. I want His life to be so fully expressed in mine that people are greatly blessed, transformed, saved, healed and Jesus is glorified all the more. At the same time, I want to be content with each new day as it is. Just revel in the new mercies of the day, just enjoying my fellowship with my Father. So I find this balance in my life, it's learning not to be satisfied with a small unpurposeful life, but yet to be content at where I am at, and enjoy each moment, each new day. Oy! That is quite an enigma, no?
I am sure there are others who are experiencing this wrestling, this life of mystery. This walk of the spirit is so confounding to my mind at times. I simply cannot let my mind get in the way though and I often just throw my hands up in the air and say, I give up trying to figure this all out Lord. I trust you and your life in me. And let me tell you how many times I find myself saying this. It's daily, sometimes hourly. It's a journey of me learning to lean not on my own understanding, and learning to lean fully on His life in me. Honestly, I hope that someday this walk begins to flow more for me. I mean do you think, it's possible for my mind to get out of the way, and for me to just live so in union with the Spirit as my constant guide. I sure would like that. I sure believe that it is meant to be a continual growing process, within the context of relationship with Him. Much like in a marriage, the longer you have been together, the more likely you are to complete each other's sentences and know each others mood in an instant and understand what makes each other really tick. (or even just a close friendship, for those who aren't married, you just begin to know what makes your friend really tick!)
In light of all my ramblings here, I do believe that the Lord is weaving together the tapestry of my life and a beautiful pattern is emerging. He is revealing to me the next color that is going to be added in, and it may take awhile before it will be visually appealing to the naked eye, but it is indeed a new fresh color to take delight in. I think perhaps what I may be trying to say, is that I am starting to see the benefit of the process and learning to be patient as I wait for Him to create and birth in me, what He has planned for me. A new level of contentment is coming forth in me.
So today, I am reveling in the journey, the turn it is taking and the process as it unfolds, as slow as it may seem at times. I count it all joy! I learn from each new day, how to wait on the Lord. Wait on the Lord! That has such depth of meaning I never before comprehended. For I know the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me, and not to bring me harm. O God, you are indeed so good! I am learning to trust you and know that you have good things in store for me!! I love you!!!