I have been processing this life in Christ from the inside out. Learning to live leaning upon Him and letting go more and more. You see my life has been quite a roller coaster ride, as I am sure many of yours, dear readers, have been as well. But, lately, my life has been doing a bit of unraveling of sorts. It's the kind of unraveling you would expect, much like Lazarus needing his grave clothes peeled off. Yet to the naked human eye, it may not seem so pretty. I suspect, Lazarus was no sight to behold - yet Jesus spoke the word and his life was revived, made new.
So as I walk through this season of coming out of the grave, shall we say, and more into the resurrection life I now possess - I find myself adjusting to mentalities that were once so foreign to me, but yet now seem as if they have always only ever been the true way! Which indeed they have! It was my former understanding that was upside down and inside out. That's how it is with living out of our own resources and trying to figure out how to make this life work apart from HIM!
Thankfully, He is more real to me than ever before. I feel like I 'know' Him so well, and I do indeed trust Him. But yet I am mystified by Him all at the same time. He is my constant companion, but yet sometimes I wish He would act like He is as mighty as I know Him to be. Why does He decide to hide himself sometimes I wonder? When I know He is who He says He is, why does it seem like He is not actually going to prove it?? I don't doubt His ability, I know He is the same yesterday, today and forever. But why, oh why does that not come to reality at times, especially at critical times - like right now for example. Right now, a loved one, lies listless on a hospital bed - doesn't HE long to be gracious to him? Yes, of course He does. So why is he not being healed? Where does it all come unraveled - where is the clarification of who I know my Daddy to be, versus actually seeing Him in action when He is needed? Or should I say, seeing the reality of the cross manifest in peoples lives. Especially when it comes to physical tangible transformation. I mean Mary and Martha wondered that too. Lord, if you had been here sooner, they said..........He knew what He was doing then, and even then He still did a miracle! So why not now? Am I missing something? Is there a break down somewhere in my understanding? In my believing? I do however know that even if the outcome is not, shall we say, as my understanding would have it to be, that He will work ALL things together for good. Even things the enemy attempts for our destruction. I mean after all, how can you take down someone who is headed heavenward. Well, I suppose you rob him of his life early and devastate his loved ones. But, God can still redeem and restore even then, can He not?
Yet despite this truth, and the comfort of knowing my loved one will be in heaven with Jesus - I wrestle with it all. Frustration consumes me, because I want to see a BIG and mighty God in action. After all in the New Testament when signs and wonders and miracles were performed, many believed! Many!!! So naturally, I want to taste and see this kind of miracle working power in action. Now more than ever! It's a longing so deep and so intense I feel as though I can't contain the severity of it. I feel as if it's becoming a part of who I am to see this miracle working power spring into action. I know that for those who have become new creations in Christ, we have the same resurrection power alive in us, as that which raised Christ from the dead. We carry this power! It's ours! But how, oh how to unleash it! I just have to believe it's true and I have to speak the words and trust that the power will deliver. And even when it does not, I cannot say it is not true! I so long to see it be real though. With my very own eyes. I believe in the unseen eternal realm so much so that nothing else makes sense to me, even though I often don't see it pan out. Others may call me a fool. When I'd rather trust in the nature of my God, versus the wisdom of man (think Dr.'s here). I refuse to accept the unacceptable - yet the unacceptable occurs. How do I handle that? It hurts too much...........................................................
..............................................................................................................................more than I can bear it. Yet, somehow, His love continues to compel me. Propel me, drive me in this direction, that to some seems insane. Intense. Ridiculous. I put forth my child like trust in Him, and I get blank stares. Quizzical replies as to how can you not just accept 'reality'. That's just it. I don't think what we see in the natural, has to be our reality. To me it's simple. But yet not so simple at the same time.
It's a conundrum for certain.................this mystery in Him. Nevertheless, I plod on.......staying this course, longing to live in the reality of the finality of the Cross. Longing to see the whole world get set freed in their minds. Chains of endless length and thickness would deteriorate into dust - and freedom to live in resurrection zoe life would reign throughout the earth. Christians everywhere would learn to trust and KNOW their great and awesome Father - and learn to become the true sons of God. Bold and confident, only doing what He is doing, because they are so intimately involved with Him and His unfolding plans to redeem the whole world through the glorious gospel. OH, I long for that! I long to be amidst an army of sons............ I long for the day when I will speak the healing word and it will manifest. God I need to SEE it!!!
I long for You to be so real and tangible to a lost and hurting world - even to those who claim to be your children, yet live as though they must wait until heaven to enjoy eternal life in YOU!!
My heart can't contain the burdens I bear, but I sense that you are giving me your heart, you are a mighty rushing river flowing in me and all your waves and breakers are about to crash out of me............................I can feel it...................I know you want to flow, course and emanate your love through me - I can't contain you - I can't keep you to myself - I must overflow, cascade, gush out your life - it must be available for others, as you are an 'other' lover - your love is fixed upon the object of your affections- you long to be gracious to all......................................................I am so full, so satisfied in You, yet I long for more at the same time!!
2 comments:
Yep! Understand! It is hard to understand His ways at times - because you hear and understand one thing and hear it from others and yet seem to see very little reality of it in the great and glorious way you are coming to expect. It can be confusing and discouraging sometimes. I had a dream (I might have shared this before) where I just was so tuned in to the finished work of Jesus and that it was Him and not me, that I knew that if i prayed for someone for healing they would be healed. There was such an alignment in my dream. But it was a knowing without striving to believe. I am waiting for that deposit. Can't try to believe. I remember going one Sunday to the Feast (nolan and heather clarks thing they head up). Nolan was going on and on about how "we" had to have faith for and believe for their city. And it was so clear that it was just plain old striving. One can't 'try' to muster up faith. Faith comes by knowing. It is a deep true pure knowing and striving isn't what takes you there. People easily get caught up into trying to do what Jesus already did. And so, this mind renewal is crucial to the alignment with what already is. Our minds often swing like pendulums and I am telling you that it doesn't always help hearing teachings from people who move in those sorts of signs and wonders, cause we start to look to them for answers. Which keeps our minds swinging. Cause in the secret of His simplicity there is something we cannot understand. And the issue is that we don't need to understand. We just need participate with Him in His day to day unveiling of His glory, renewing our minds. . . It is all too easy to get caught up on the signs and wonders and miss the simple sweetness of His love, eh. . . But that longing. . . He knows. . . That alignment shall come. As, you so well put it; not so pretty, but the core, oh so spectacular. . . I hear you. What you express is one reason why I hide away from most books and things. . . Causes me too much confusion. I wait on Him (rather impatiently:) - I think He likes it) Good to see you!
I love what you shared here Bec - I must say I agree. I do feel a sense of urgency for Harry and pray in a way that is consistent with what I feel compelled for - I must confess I was a little perturbed that this decision to put Harry to rest came too soon and I spoke out of that frustration to my family - sigh - I wonder what it was like for Jesus all those years growing up, containing the power he knew he had and not using it until the time God ordained for him!!! It's weird to me to think about all of this - how God through Christ healed them all - all who came to Him, yet throughout time there have been sick and dying people that were not able to see or believe that they could be healed. So I wrestle.........I know salvation is for the whole man, including healing, but I also don't see many living in the fullness of that salvation in any sense. I just know it's so much better than most christians know - I want that fullness for people! So much!! I believe in it so much!!! It's almost more painful to know there's more and not see it get tapped into, than if it were to be clueless and live life safely and ignorant of this great and glorious salvation...............I long for this Son of God to be revealed :) Thanks for hearing my heart and sharing yours. Love you girl!!!!
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