"You have made know to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." ~Psalm 16:11
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The path I am on............
So I think it's time to share some of my life with you all. I'm just gonna get really good and transparent, open and real. Not that I have a problem with being open, actually I have quite the opposite problem - how to not say TOO much. That's right I have a big mouth - oy! Anyway, I have been walking through a season of life that has been rather intense and messy. Most christians would not understand, most certainly not my old church, but that's a whole 'nother story.
I feel as though I have to go back in time a bit in order to share my current situation. Two years ago, in the summer of '07, I had reached the point of desperation, I was so fed up with trying to survive my marriage and my life, I threw my hands up in the air and left my husband and ignored all my church peeps and went to our home which was for sale in another state. It was then and there that God's glorious gospel of grace burst forth in my heart in bright array. Understanding His love and the truth of His grace set me so free on the inside that I really began to see the weight of the muck I had been in. The heavy condemnation from my church and my husband, as well as trying to survive living with an alcoholic. Because of His grace I knew I could not stay at my old church, and because of his grace I felt I could embrace the difficulties with my husband.
Initially, I had a lot of fighting to do to keep this message primary and to deny all the opposition that came my way. It was brutal! Absolutely brutal! Yet somehow, the joy I felt inside overshadowed the darkness that I was experiencing. The challenge was, getting rid of old lies I had been taught, and standing up to someone who thought it was okay to torment me from sun up to sundown on a daily basis. It sure was not the prettiest of times on the outside, but underneath it all He was permeating His life through me. Oh the joy of Christ!
As time went on grace grew in me, came alive in me and I could never go back to how it used to be. (The slave woman was now the free woman!!) I wanted so desperately for that to be true for my husband too, but alas he continued to stay stuck. Really stuck. The kind of stuck where you begin to wonder if you should be a part of it, (without saying too much here). Thankfully, God gave me courage and spoke to my heart about how precious I am to him. One day, I had to take my stand and I did.
This past May, a situation occurred that caused my husband and I to be separated (yet again, for about the 4th time or so). This was more my choice than his to be quite honest. I could no longer tolerate his choices that so deeply affected mine and my children's lives.
So here I am, a single mom with 4 young boys, yet again standing up for freedom. The past 6 months have been full of complications and attempted condemnation to take me down. I have had to stand firm in the truth I know and not let fear and condemnation overcome me. It has been quite a challenging season, yet somehow I am happier than ever!
I recently shared of some difficulties I have been going through, those were just the tip of the iceberg. Those came on top of heaps of challenges I have faced these past six months, which is why I grew so very weary. (yet did not faint, cause He is holding me, thank goodness!!) Thankfully, through this season God has become more real to me, more dear to me and I would not give that up for anything. He has broken through time and time again, when I have been beaten down again and again. He has been so good and so faithful!!
One of the challenges I have faced recently was having my car taken away from me, and not being able to do anything about it. That's not a fun place to be these days with 4 kids, as most can well imagine. I am already in a pickle in so many ways, and then my car gets ripped right out from under my nose to boot. I certainly have not enjoyed this situation, but my Daddy knows my needs and meets them. Just when I was really feeling the pain of having no car and having to be very needy, He broke through.
Just yesterday, my brother called me, which is very rare. He told me he wanted to come over and visit, I obliged. He asked me if I needed anything, such as groceries picked up. I said, 'I need a car!' (since I was feeling rather desperate about it). Anyway, he came over and visited with the boys a bit, then told me he actually had a reason for coming over. I said, 'Ok'. He said, 'I recently got this idea, and I thought it would work, and now I know it will work and.......' Then he handed me car keys. Yes car keys!! He gave me a car!! Not only that, but he had just gotten it inspected the day before so it is fully inspected for one year, full tank of gas, along with a gas car and will cover my insurance for now. He made all this happen, in addition to getting his own family another car to replace the car he was giving me. All within one week's time (that was when he got the idea, a week ago.) CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!! I just stood there in shock, and all I could think was God you really really do love me!!!! Wow!!
This is just one of the many examples of how God has cared for me through this time. I have had to fully lean on Him for provision, and it has been scary. Scary, cause I cannot see how things will work out. But wonderful, because I really get to see Him keep His word to me and provide in ways I could never imagine. Folks when God says He promises to provide - HE MEANS IT!!!
I write all of this because I feel compelled to share my life with you all. Compelled to inspire, to encourage and to say, we simply can not mess up grace. We may think that because of grace our lives should start to look a certain way. Success should be ours in every area of life, namely relationships, right? I never would have thought I would be in this position in life, nor would I have ever wanted to be. Yet alas, here I am. I have found that we simply cannot choose for others, we can only choose to believe God for ourselves. Sometimes it takes much more for others to give up and run to Jesus, and some may never relent. As hard as that is to watch, and as painful as it is to be in the thick of with anyone, let alone your spouse, we can stand firmly rooted in His grace for us. There is only so much grace you can extend to one who chooses to destroy their lives and take you down with them, at some point you just have to release them to God and run to safety. That is the path I am on.
So as I walk this road that is both challenging, scary and yet freeing as well, I ask you all to join me. I most definitely appreciate the way the body looks out for it's own, as many of you have so faithfully shown me time and time again. Shalom............