The path I am on............

So I think it's time to share some of my life with you all. I'm just gonna get really good and transparent, open and real. Not that I have a problem with being open, actually I have quite the opposite problem - how to not say TOO much. That's right I have a big mouth - oy! Anyway, I have been walking through a season of life that has been rather intense and messy. Most christians would not understand, most certainly not my old church, but that's a whole 'nother story. 

I feel as though I have to go back in time a bit in order to share my current situation. Two years ago, in the summer of '07, I had reached the point of desperation, I was so fed up with trying to survive my marriage and my life, I threw my hands up in the air and left my husband and ignored all my church peeps and went to our home which was for sale in another state. It was then and there that God's glorious gospel of grace burst forth in my heart in bright array. Understanding His love and the truth of His grace set me so free on the inside that I really began to see the weight of the muck I had been in. The heavy condemnation from my church and my husband, as well as trying to survive living with an alcoholic. Because of His grace I knew I could not stay at my old church, and because of his grace I felt I could embrace the difficulties with my husband. 

Initially, I had a lot of fighting to do to keep this message primary and to deny all the opposition that came my way. It was brutal! Absolutely brutal! Yet somehow, the joy I felt inside overshadowed the darkness that I was experiencing. The challenge was,  getting rid of old lies I had been taught, and standing up to someone who thought it was okay to torment me from sun up to sundown on a daily basis. It sure was not the prettiest of times on the outside, but underneath it all He was permeating His life through me. Oh the joy of Christ! 

As time went on grace grew in me, came alive in me and I could never go back to how it used to be. (The slave woman was now the free woman!!) I wanted so desperately for that to be true for my husband too, but alas he continued to stay stuck. Really stuck. The kind of stuck where you begin to wonder if you should be a part of it, (without saying too much here). Thankfully, God gave me courage and spoke to my heart about how precious I am to him. One day, I had to take my stand and I did. 

This past May, a situation occurred that caused my husband and I to be separated (yet again, for about the 4th time or so). This was more my choice than his to be quite honest. I could no longer tolerate his choices that so deeply affected mine and my children's lives. 

So here I am, a single mom with 4 young boys, yet again standing up for freedom. The past 6 months have been full of complications and attempted condemnation to take me down. I have had to stand firm in the truth I know and not let fear and condemnation overcome me. It has been quite a challenging season, yet somehow I am happier than ever! 

I recently shared of some difficulties I have been going through, those were just the tip of the iceberg. Those came on top of heaps of challenges I have faced these past six months, which is why I grew so very weary. (yet did not faint, cause He is holding me, thank goodness!!) Thankfully, through this season God has become more real to me, more dear to me and I would not give that up for anything. He has broken through time and time again, when I have been beaten down again and again. He has been so good and so faithful!!

One of the challenges I have faced recently was having my car taken away from me, and not being able to do anything about it. That's not a fun place to be these days with 4 kids, as most can well imagine. I am already in a pickle in so many ways, and then my car gets ripped right out from under my nose to boot. I certainly have not enjoyed this situation, but my Daddy knows my needs and meets them. Just when I was really feeling the pain of having no car and having to be very needy, He broke through.

Just yesterday, my brother called me, which is very rare. He told me he wanted to come over and visit, I obliged. He asked me if I needed anything, such as groceries picked up. I said, 'I need a car!' (since I was feeling rather desperate about it).  Anyway, he came over and visited with the boys a bit, then told me he actually had a reason for coming over. I said, 'Ok'.  He said, 'I recently got this idea, and I thought it would work, and now I know it will work and.......' Then he handed me car keys. Yes car keys!! He gave me a car!! Not only that, but he had just gotten it inspected the day before so it is fully inspected for one year, full tank of gas, along with a gas car and will cover my insurance for now. He made all this happen, in addition to getting his own  family another car to replace the car he was giving me. All within one week's time (that was when he got the idea, a week ago.) CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!!  I just stood there in shock, and all I could think was God you really really do love me!!!! Wow!! 

This is just one of the many examples of how God has cared for me through this time. I have had to fully lean on Him for provision, and it has been scary. Scary, cause I cannot see how things will work out. But wonderful, because I really get to see Him keep His word to me and provide in ways I could never imagine. Folks when God says He promises to provide - HE MEANS IT!!!

I write all of this because I feel compelled to share my life with you all. Compelled to inspire, to encourage and to say, we simply can not mess up grace. We may think that because of grace our lives should start to look a certain way. Success should be ours in every area of life, namely relationships, right? I never would have thought I would be in this position in life, nor would I have ever wanted to be. Yet alas, here I am. I have found that we simply cannot choose for others, we can only choose to believe God for ourselves. Sometimes it takes much more for others to give up and run to Jesus, and some may never relent. As hard as that is to watch, and as painful as it is to be in the thick of with anyone, let alone your spouse, we can stand firmly rooted in His grace for us. There is only so much grace you can extend to one who chooses to destroy their lives and take you down with them, at some point you just have to release them to God and run to safety. That is the path I am on. 

So as I walk this road that is both challenging, scary and yet freeing as well, I ask you all to join me. I most definitely appreciate the way the body looks out for it's own, as many of you have so faithfully shown me time and time again. Shalom............

He restores my soul..............

(Do you ever just want to write a post, but are not sure quite what it will be about? Or that what you write may not have any relevance to anything, but yet you just want to write anyway? That's how I am feeling today, I just want to express myself in some form or fashion, so here goes.) 

After my terrible horrible no good very bad day on Tuesday after an accumulation of trials and difficulties from the previous week, and then on Wednesday finding out my son probably had the swine flu (eh hem, that would be the N1H1 flu/virus - oh whatever), things started to shift in the heavenlies. I won't go into all the details, BUT God's kind hand of provision has faithfully been shown to me yet again. Not once, but twice, as if the first means he brought along wasn't wonderful enough (think financially rescued for a whole month), he met yet a second need. You see I am in a pickle these days, and just yesterday, I had $30 for food to last me and four boys for 10 days. That certainly wasn't going to work. WELL, I am happy to say, God sent a lovely gift to me last night. A knock on the door and a lovely gift card to my favorite local market, Trader Joe's. How perfectly cool was that? Double provision. I was quite tickled I must say. So I found myself saying, bring it on!! Ha ha, when days prior I was laughing at all the calamity in my life, saying bring it on! Hee hee, God is too good like that. He loves to show me that He's got me covered.  More than just covered actually, he has me so that I have not any want. Think about that! I am not in want - if only I could live in that and if only my emotions would let me believe this! 

Much like the psalmist writes in Psalm 23 - I feel as though I have lived in that Psalm this very week. And I now really can see that I have no want in Him. I love that! I was weary this week and He came and showed me the reality of the truth of this very Psalm. 

 ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

 ² He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

       he leads me beside quiet waters,

 ³ he restores my soul. 

       He guides me in paths of righteousness 

       for his name's sake.

 ⁴ Even though I walk 

       through the valley of the shadow of death, 

       I will fear no evil, 

       for you are with me; 

       your rod and your staff, 

       they comfort me.

 ⁵ You prepare a table before me 

       in the presence of my enemies. 

       You anoint my head with oil; 

       my cup overflows.

 ⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me 

       all the days of my life, 

       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 

       forever.

It's so cool how the word is like a diamond, and when you look at it again and again you see it in a different light.  Well just this morning I was again thinking about how I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death, more like a valley with dark clouds all around me and no light coming through. I know I said this before, but I really do take great comfort that I am walking through, and that He is ever with me. It's like I really can face everything that comes my way, I really don't have to fear. I can rest in the midst of the difficulties. I really can. I may grow tired and weary and 'feel' overwhelmed, but know in my spirit I am in wonderful hands no matter what.  

I always used to think of the 'rod' as a implement to inflict pain. However the shepherd's rod is used to protect the sheep, not inflict pain. How does having pain inflicted comfort one?? Anyway, I realized today, as I contemplated this Psalm, and light bulbs came on and a much richer fuller depth of meaning and impact came over me - the rod was used to protect and guide the sheep. The Hebrew word for rod that is used is "shabat." A shabat is specifically the rod used by a shepherd in caring for sheep. The shabat has five common practical uses: 1) it is the symbol of the shepherd's guardianship of the sheep; 2) it can be thrown with great accuracy just beyond the wandering sheep to send the animal scurrying back to the flock; 3) the shabat can be used to ward off an intruder and protect the sheep from any animals which may attack; 4) the sheep are counted as they "pass under the rod;" 5) it is used to part the wool in order to examine the sheep for disease, wounds or defects which may be treated. There is no evidence that the rod is ever used to physically strike the sheep. That lines up with the God I now know. The God of comfort. Yes, that comforts me to know. Okay, so not only is He with me, He is armed and ready to protect me. I love knowing that. Sometimes, I feel so separate from Him in a way I don't know His ways and what He will do. But I am never separated from Him, never! He always goes after His sheep to keep them safe and cared for. 

I also thought about how cool it is, that He prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies. I may have opposition in my life in various forms, but He is saying to me, here come and sit and rest and let me serve you a feast. He is not phased one bit by my enemies. 

I know what it is like when he makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters, because truly he has restored my soul time and time again. But listen to the next line,I just can't get over this -  "He leads me in paths of righteousness, for His name's sake."  He leads me!! Just like we know that the Holy Spirit leads us into all truth! Even the psalmist knew this truth and he lived in the O.C.  I just love the theme of this whole psalm!! He initiates, He blesses, He protects, He comforts - He does it all! We have everything!! 

I am grateful for the reminder the Spirit brought to my heart, that I really have goodness and love on my side all the days of my life! I really can trust that my Good Shepherd and Daddy will care for me in every area of my life and abundantly so. I am grateful that he restored my soul today!!!