My heart is so tender, so brittle through this tough exterior. I am like a delicate rose, yet covered in thorns. I don't come with just a subtle beauty alone, there are definitely those rough sharp edges if you will.
Life has so many twists and turns, sometimes I just can't keep up. I found myself here tonight after all this time, feeling this sense of contemplativeness that has not occurred in oh so long. This heart of mine feels so full, heavy even, not so much in a negative sense, but more a fullness that I can't completely bear on my own. I wonder now as I type if that feeling is only meant to bring me to a point where I just let go, lean back and trust. Trust that my Daddy's got me all wrapped up in His arms - I am just reawakening to the sense of that truth, and even feel His embrace. I have not felt that in so long, I haven't stopped to take the time to even allow for it. Tears have flowed more often than not in the recent past as aspects of my life have shown me deeper things than I ever could have cared to see. Yet heaven holds me.
It's so interesting to me how this journey, this climb I am on keeps propelling me deeper into who I truly am - maybe it's the journey of discovering me more fully. Do I even know me fully? Is it even possible? I think He wants to show me. He's taking me deeper into the depths of who I am in Him. I can't quite explain it but it's really no different than any natural process of growth and transformation.
One of my favorite places in the world is a lovely arboretum close to my home. Each year I am given the gift of a membership and I eagerly anticipate the first visit of the year, usually in early spring. It's always the same in many ways, and yet so transformed on each new trip. I love watching the transformation as the year goes along, from the first buds of spring to the crunch of those same first leaves under my feet in fall. I wonder how the trees, meadow, flowers and forest feel as they go through this annual journey. I know I feel more and more deeply as life continues. I hurt more deeply, I ache and long in ways I never knew were possible, yet all the while I feel a deeper sense of strength through the pains life brings my way. Much like the roots of a strong mighty oak going deeper down as time goes on. So deep, drawing from a rich source that does not run dry or fade.
Experiencing the confidence of my source deeply in my soul is not something I can possibly describe fully, nor can I even grasp it fully. I just know that I am deeply rooted and firmly planted. This soul of mine, this earthly vessel is not just flitting in the wind to be tossed about and lost along the way. No. I am well weathered yet situated into a deep rich wealth of nourishment, a firm foundation. ...................