As I began to brew my coffee and wait for it, I peered out the window to observe all the birds gathering at the feeder. Flitting back and forth almost as if they were taking turns getting their snack. I admired the birds in their simplicity. They just live day in and day out, enjoying the bounty that is often before them. Not a worry on their minds, not a care in the world.
I turned to the fridge to get some cream for my coffee and noticed the lovely butterfly magnets I recently bought at a yard sale. Butterflies just make me happy. Sometimes I feel like a teenager again, every time I see butterfly paraphernalia, I am drawn to it. I realize that butterflies remind me so much of freedom and of glorious transformation. Much like my own freedom in Christ, and being transformed into a new creation. Yet they are so fragile and so delicate.
I feel that way often. I love living in this wonderful freedom Jesus has provided for me. It's truly amazing! Yet often I just feel so weak. Today is one of those days.
I woke up last night with this nagging feeling. Couldn't put my finger on it. I have no idea what is truly bothering me, but I don't like it. I don't like that I feel weary and somewhat lackluster. Me and somber do not go well together. Let me tell you, I am not meant for it, I am made to be a fountain of joy. So I have to pep talk myself.
Who are you Lydia? Are you really this sad sorry person you see in the mirror today? Well, no. But something just isn't right in my spirit and I don't know what. Are you forgetting how God sees you in your spirit? Well no, I "know" how God sees me, it's more like how I feel in my soul. I just can't sense the joy today, and that sense of nothing is missing, nothing is broken, a wholeness. I want to really feel it's there. Oh God wrap your lovin' arms around me tight!!!
When you don't feel the joy just bursting out of you after you have been so accustomed to it, what do you do???
It is very rare for me to have a quiet moment or time alone just me and God. I have to share him with all the distractions of any given day, the diapers that need to be changed, the dishes that need done, the countless stories read, the piles of laundry that need to be folded, the children that are fighting yet again. I share all these activities with God by my side, and I am so thankful that he never leaves me, especially when there's a real whoppin' stinker of diaper to be changed. But, sometimes, I just crave a deeper intimate time with Him. Just me, and him. I miss him that way. Perhaps that is what is gnawing at me.
One thing I do know is I won't let myself stay in this state. That is one way He is transforming me. I have come to know such a wonderful Father, and a wonderful state of bliss. Prior to living in a revelation of His pure love and grace, I would sit in this state of woe and stew in it. These days I refuse to live that way. I have found a much better way to live. Loved.
When I can't tangibly sense that love, I go nuts. My mission today - go get saturated in His love and rest in his love for me!!!
This is where I live from time to time. I thought I'd be honest and share. Sometimes, I just have to fight through the emotions that are so familiar, and seek to take me down dreary paths. I no longer go down them. Sometimes I stand at the foot of the path.......wondering how did I get here? And then I look behind me and see the wide open field and the beautiful sky, sunbeams starting to burst through and the warmth on my face spreads, my lungs fill with fresh air again and I start to wander into the great wide open, a smile broadening on my face, then I begin to skip and run and laugh.
I love how God can so quickly fill me back up again, as soon as I turn toward His beauty and behold it with all that I am!!!!! I hope I find him quickly today...........