Well, today I'd like to remedy that poorly told tale. In case there is anyone else out there who has decided to run home from the pigpen like me. I would simply want you to know the God, I know now. The God, who has always been the same. Who has always had nothing but love and acceptance for me. I just didn't know it. Maybe you don't either.
I grew up in the church. From a wee babe to a young adult. Christian school too. As a young adult I began to want to see the world, the world outside of the walls of Christianity. I wasn't afraid to explore, but unfortunately there were those who were afraid of me getting sucked into a 'lost' and wicked world. Well, the world was way more welcoming to me than I had formerly believed and soon I was enjoying my freedom from all the restrictions Christianity placed upon me. Years went by and I found myself pregnant and not married. This was the one thing I had always said wouldn't happen to me. But it did. If only I could describe the shame and guilt that I experienced back then, but I am sure that would depress anyone. My whole world began to crash down around me. I lost friends. I lost everything. I was cornered into a pit of despairing and there was only one place to turn. Towards the end of my pregnancy, after the decision to parent my child was made, I had a debate with God that went like this.
"God, I know I need you, but I can't do it! I can't do this christian life, I just can't do it!"
I knew I couldn't live up to all those standards that I had believed were part of what it meant to be a christian. I didn't even want to. He lovingly reassured me;
"You don't have to do it! I will!!"
Me, with a bit of surprise and relief; "Well, then if that's the case, then I am all yours!!"
Wow! This was freeing to me! Just in time, too, for me to enjoy the birth of my precious son. I still felt quite weak and frightened, but clung to the hope in the words He spoke to my heart. It wasn't long after that, that I found a church to attend. Thinking this was the first step to my new life in Him, I began to get involved. I slowly began to enjoy myself and let go of fear, and began to read my Bible and enjoy worshipping Him in freedom. Unfortunately, this did not last too long because I slowly got all bound back up again by the same things I had been bound by before. Standards, principles, expectations, fear, and this time a greater consciousness of sin than ever before in my life. I somehow thought and was taught this was holy living. Let me tell you, it slowly sucked all the life and joy right back out of me.
What I wish had happened then, was that I remained in my freedom, my childlike joy and trust that God would hold me and keep me. Somehow I knew that was true in my head, but in my heart I could not understand this truth. Deep down I felt like a failure again. I didn't feel like I knew God anymore and I was saddened because I had just started to get to know Him. He felt distant, though He was not. He was always right with me and beckoning me to draw near, but the veil was over my eyes and I couldn't see or hear Him calling out to me. What had happened was, I was being taught that my heart was deceitful. I was constantly being taught all kinds of principles for godly living. How to be a better wife, mother, lover, home-maker, friend, servant, witness and so on. Day in and day out, I felt guilty if I did not have a quiet time. And the list goes on.
I wish someone had told me the truth. That the Gospel was way better than I thought and that God is not angry with me. I wish I had heard the truth about how I was no longer under the supervision of the law. I wish I heard that I was more than just forgiven, and that I know had a completely new life! I wish someone had told me to rest and abide in the amazing love of God and that nothing I ever do will seperate me from His love. I wish that someone had told me, God isn't trying to still fix me, or sanctify me, but that He has made me perfect forever. That He finished the work that needed to be done, so I could live in a perfect unity with my God and Father. That He is no longer counting my sins against me and remembering them no more!!
The truth all along was that I had not truly rebelled against God back when I strayed from church and into the world. I had rebelled against religion. I had rebelled against the self-righteous church life and legalism. I ran away from that, because it was not attractive to me. Once I heard God tell me I didn't have to live right, but that He would live for me, I perked right up! I thought now this is a God I can come to!
God is not the god that religion and most of christianity paints Him to be. Don't fall for that god! Run into the arms of the One who did it all! The One who all along was looking from a far and waiting for you. The One who runs with arms outstretched no matter what you have done, or where you are coming from. The One who will clothe you with His royal robes of righteousness (not your own) and give you His very name and inheritance! The One who will throw the hugest party ever as you return from the sty. Not only that, but a God who dealt with the 'old' me and made me new. By giving me a brand new nature, HIS!!
That is my real testimony. I found out that all along God had always loved me despite how I lived my life. God always wanted me, despite the fact that I slept around. God chose to call me righteous, because He gave me a gift of righteousness, despite the fact that I had lived in sin for so long. He chose to call me His own and to place me in Christ and seat me with Him in Heavenly Places, despite that fact that I had been living in the muck and mire. This great God and Father, will never condemn me, will never point out my faults and will love me ridiculously and lavishly no matter what!! Hallelujah!
Now don't you wish someone told you about this truly awesome amazing loving God long ago?That's why I am sharing it now! He wants to live through you too! Not you living for Him, but Christ in YOU! Alive and living only the life He could live!! Grace and peace to all who read here.....................!!